ALEX JONES SINGS OF LOVE

"I've always been a loner, slow at making friends," sings Alex Jones (in an almost impenetrable Russian accent), but he doesn't let that get him down. Jones sings utterly honest songs about his everyday life, his adopted home of Australia, and, more than anything else, love. Comparisons to the late, great Wesley Willis are not unfair - though not as obsessive-compulsive as Willis' ouvre, Jones's songs do roughly all sound the same, his tone-deaf singing accompanied by rinky-dink Casio rhythms. Unlike Willis, however, Jones doesn't appear to have any severe mental problems, though he certainly has a shaky grasp of the English language. He couldn't look less rock'n'roll - the conservatively-dressed bespectacled middle-aged Jones looks like an insurance salesmen. And, for all I know, he very well may be.

I first discovered Jones last February trawling the internet for a Mardi Gras song, and boy, did I find one. I had never heard anything quite like "Mardi Gras," which was actually a heartfelt plea for gay tolerance: "Gays are successful in keeping profile, Attracting young people by their lifestyle." More recently I went back and listened to a lot more of his sweet and sincere songs. "Judge me carefully...I have love I can't express," he sings in "Counryman" (I think there's supposed to be a "T" in there, but hey, that's how he spells it.) You can't top this one though - apparently he tried his hand at meditation and this is the jaw-dropping result:

"Mantra" - Listed next to each song on his site is the song's genre, "country," "reggae," etc. Next to this one it just says "unknown."

Yup...

"PANCHO SANCHEZ...THAT LAZY SON OF A GUN"

May 5 is Cinco de Mayo, America's celebration of Mexican culture, and so we observe this holiday the way we celebrate every occasion - with some music in bad taste. (Ay ay ay!)

"Pancho Sanchez," a parody of "The Ballad of Davy Crockett," was a hit song in the '50's for Lalo Guerrera, the Godfather of Chicano Music who died just a couple of months ago at age 89. Though popular with both white and latino audiences, the song's stereotypical depiction of Mexicans was so offensive to some folks that Lalo wouldn't play it live (much to my disappointment - I saw him live a couple of years ago). He more than made up for it, though, with his vast contribution to music and his involvment with the legendary activist Cesar Chavez.

But did he really do a parody of "O Sole Mio" called "There's No Tortillas"?

HASIL ADKINS R.I.P.

As many of you are no doubt aware, Hasil Adkins passed away recently at age 67. Although he received plenty of attention and cult stardom thanks to cats like The Cramps covering his songs, he was, in many ways, the quintessential "outsider" musician. An authentic hillbilly, "Haze" toiled for decades in obscurity in his isolated West Virginia home, recording crude one-man-band rockabilly hollers like these would-be dance crazes:
"Let's Slop Tonight" and the classic "The Hunch"
He will be forever remembered for his many fine songs about chopping off girl's heads and hanging them on the wall: "No More Hot Dogs."

AFGHANISTAN'S GREATEST GIRL-GROUP

Actually, they're Afghanistan's only girl-group, but still... The Burka Band are one of the first pop groups to emerge in post-Taliban Afghanistan. Performing on Western instruments (electric guitar, drum kit) and singing in English, these 3 ladies not only wear the traditional head-to-toe burkas, they sing about 'em on their debut 7" from the German label ata tak. Not quite a Muslim Shaggs, the result is charmingly amateurish rock-xotica:

"Burka Blue" Although they say their mom wears blue jeans now.

"Burka Blue (remix)" is quite nice too.

Haven't heard another of their songs called "No Burkas!," but that sounds like some authentic rock'n'roll rebellion. And who knew there was such a thing anymore?

I SWEAR IT'S NWA

Someone with alot of time on their hands has taken the entirety of NWA's "Straight Outta Compton" and removed everything but the swear words: "Explicit Content Only." A refreshing contrast, I suppose, to the Christian conservative groups who rent out movies with all the good parts chopped out.

"F--- Tha Police" in just 42 seconds - and this is the longest track on the album. Perfect for these attention-deficient times.

DAVID HASSELHOFF RAPPIN' ABOUT PENGUINS

Yes, the actor. Yes, he's rapping. And, yes, the song's about penguins:

Pingu Dance

This is big in Germany. I have no explanation.

JOHN LENNON'S NEW SONGS FROM HEAVEN

Linda and Gerald Polley are a middle-aged couple with their own religion, Spiritism. They're from North Dakota, a part of the world not known for new music - until the spirit of John Lennon contacted them. John is still writing songs that the Polleys channel, then record at home, singing and performing on portable keyboards. The once-famously peaceful and broad-minded former Beatle now writes songs (sometimes in collaboration with J.S. Bach or Frank Sinatra) that support President Bush and condemn homosexuality. Their latest collection, "Songs From Beyond 2," has a few .wav files on-line that I converted to .mp3 (so don't say I never did anything for ya!). Linda usually sings lead.
"Hussain's Butt Song" John Lennon says we're gonna kick Saddam you-know-where.
"We Love You Michael" John knows Jacko would never hurt anyone.
"Springtime" Gerald sings this ode to Lennon's widow Yoko Ono.

Unfortunately, Yoko won't allow them to release an album, so most of their songs are unrecorded, though many lyrics are available on their website. Hopefully, one day we'll get to hear "Listen to the Angels/When they talk on election day/They know that Al Gore musn't win."

PETER SELLERS LOVES THE BEATLES

RIAA's keeping them mashups comin': "She Loves Junior": Late, great comedian Peter Sellers performs The Beatles "She Loves You" over The Go! Team's "Junior Kickstand." Hi-energy silliness.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

By request, more from French New Wave/bossa nova lounge lizards Nouvelle Vague, here covering PiL:
This is a lovely "This Is Not A Love Song"

BRIAN WILSON - "ADULT CHILD"

I'll be gone for week, so I made a whole album available here:

Brian Wilson "Adult Child"

Brian Wilson had been removed from the Beach Boys after 1966's "Pet Sounds" album due to his mental problems, but he never stopped writing and recording music. This unreleased album was recorded in 1976/1977.

It's a thrilling, if bewildering work. Wilson appears to be a complete innocent, as the album title would suggest, and says exactly what is on his mind, relating to the listener the most important things in his life without a trace of show-biz affection, as in the jaw-dropping opening lines to "H.E.L.P. Is On The Way," a song named after his favorite health-food store. But then he'll offer lush orchestral versions of oldies like "On Broadway," and "Deep Purple," a funky version of a folk song ("Shortnin' Bread") and Beach Boy Mike Love will join him to sing the creepy "Hey Little Tomboy." However, the concluding song, "Still I Dream Of It," a gorgeous ballad that did see eventual release, shows a skilled tunesmith completely in control of his songwriting facilities, even if his mental ones were questionable.

Although "Smile," the album that was meant to be the follow-up to "Pet Sounds," did eventually get a re-recording and release in 2004, "Adult Child," as well as another Wilson solo album "Sweet Insanity," remain unreleased. Capital Records no doubt considers them to be too eccentric for the mass market. There's no sign they'll be coming out soon. Still, I dream of it...

THE HAMBURGLERS: HAPPY MEAL

Today marks the 50th anniversary of the opening of the first McDonald's restaurant, and to commemorate this momentous occasion, we offer you highlights from The Hamburglers' brilliant on-line album, "Happy Meal." The anonymous beat-burglers remix music and dialogue from a '70s publicity campaign:

"Krokrock": McDonald's chairman Ray Krok on lead vocals.
"So Now You Know, So Thank You" hip djs: spin this.
"We Want A New Theme": music sounds like The Captain and Tennille's "Love Will Keep Us Together;" Krok says, "We're dead!" And he is.
"Straight Jackin'": Ronald goes gangsta; samples from "JD's Gafflin'" from an Ice Cube album.
"Dildonald": obliterates the sources into pure abstract glitch.

BRITISH KARAOKE HELL

The UK's Cheekyboy DJ's at an English pub that features karaoke nights, and provided us with some interesting snippets. The two 8-year-old girls singing Brittany Spears is cute, but watch out for versions of songs originally done by Harry Belafonte, Enrique Iglesias, and Nickelback. The ending is particularly noteworthy - a demolition of Sinatra's "My Way" by "...a local booze-hound called Shaz famous for exposing herself in public and doing incredibly rude things with heineken bottles.. he he I liked the bit where just before singing she says 'shall we share' (the mic) and then follows that up with 'dont matter we share dicks anyway.' what a classy bird!!"

"Bad Karaoke Week 1"

MICHAEL JACKSON: THE STRIPPER

London's internet-music hooligan DJ NoNo was featured in the very first post of this 'ere blog with his eminem vs polka mash-up, "Just Lose The Accordians." He returns with a new, all-too-topical mix of Michael Jackson singing "The Way You Make Me Feel" over that bump'n'grind standard "The Stripper," performed here by Joe Loss. It's musically clever, but the image it conjures up of Jacko doing a striptease is both disturbing and hilarious...

"Stripper Jackson"

THE ROLLING SCABS

Who knew there were so many late '80s pre-teen punk bands with "scab" in their name? We covered Human Skab yesterday, and today it's The Rolling Scabs, who were basically two 12-year-old boys from the San Francisco area. Their story sounds too bizarre to be true: their adult guitar player was a retarded mental patient who played so poorly he's turned down in the mix; their drummer went by the name Tony Fag; they played with bands like Naked Raygun and Frightwig; recorded a 7" of made-up-on-the-spot songs live at Berkeley's punk haven Gilman St. Project; and lead singer Giuliano "Scab" Bourbon died at age 15 after an "elevator-surfing" accident.

Don't believe me? Listen and learn, my friends:

"We're The Scabs" It's basically Iggy & The Stooges' "Now I Wanna Be Your Dog." Only now it's about scabs.
"My Mom Smokes Pot" Sublime's big hit "What I Got" drew some lyrical inspiration from this one.
"Around The World in 80 Seconds" They visit The Great Wall. In Japan.

HUMAN SKAB

The year: 1987. The place: Washington state. The parents of a 10 year old boy called Human Skab release a cassette of his original compositions like "Mining The Radiation" and "We Need To Destroy The USSR."

The year: 2005. A remastered version of the tape will be released on CD this October thru Family Vineyard Records. It's to be called, "Thunderhips and Saddlebags." They're remastering a recording of a boy yelling into a portable tape-recorder?

And why shouldn't they? This acapella tune is just made to be sampled/remixed:

"Dead Baby Blues"

AMERICA, WE STAND AS ONE

Just what is it about "Star Trek" that makes non-musicians want to try their hand at music? Shatner, Nimoy, Nichelle Nichols...and now add to the list Dennis Madalone, a "Trek" stunt coordinator whose jaw-dropping music video one-ups his "Trek" cohorts by creating visuals as stunning as, say, Shatner's version of "Mr Tambourine Man." Click to watch here:
"America We Stand As One"



"Mr Fab, are you OK?"

(turning away) "Just...got something in my eye..."

COMPUTER SINGS METALLICA

386dx are a Russian group who play "Synchronized text-to-speech and midi synthesis" which basically means it programs computers to play songs like Metallica's
"Enter Sandman," and Nirvana's
"Rape Me"
They wear their computer keyboards on a guitar strap so they can rock out live. Funny, since the computerized vocals and electro sound essentially neuter once macho rockers into robotic stiffness. Party on, HAL.

BAR-B-Q POPE

DAMN - spent all weekend fruitlessly looking for my copy of David Peel & The Lower East Side's 1972 classic "The Pope Smokes Dope." Instead, we'll honor the passing of the Pontiff with a lovely 1983 number from a band at least as drug-addled and wacked-out as Mr Peel & Co., Texas' legendary Butthole Surfers:

"Bar-B-Q Pope" Sing along!
"I wet my pants last night
I woke up so happy
They shot the Pope!
They shot the Pope's ass!"

Rest in peace, Your Holiness...

THE HAPPY ELECTROPOP MUSIC MACHINE

As many of you are no doubt aware, Jean-Jacques Perrey is a pioneer of electronic pop music whose delightful mid-'60s collaborations with Gershon Kingsley can still teach these young techno types a thing or two. Years (decades?) before sampling, Perrey would spend untold hours cutting and splicing wacky sound effects tapes into loops that would provide the song's rhythmic backbone. Though well into his 70s, he recently announced his plan to record a new album in collaboration with Seattle-based early-electronic instrument collector/songwriter/all-around wacky guy Dana Countryman. Dana's done some great Moog stuff himself like "Cocktails In Space" for the on-line comp "Two Zombies Later," but he's put his own album project on hold so he can work on the Perrey thing. (His own album will feature guest appearances by other Moog-masters like Dick Hyman.) The sound samples got me salivating in anticipation:
"Harry's Rag"
"Chicken On The Rocks"

The album title? "THE HAPPY ELECTROPOP MUSIC MACHINE."

THEREMINS THEREMINS THEREMINS

The absolutely critical Thereminvox.com website, dedicated to all things theremin, has a fantastic mp3 library chock-full of rare historical recordings of what's been called the strangest musical instrument ever invented. Most of it's the spooky mood music you'd expect, but what is one to make of things like:
"Sinners" by a rock'n'roll combo known as Freddy And The Hitch-Hikers. Recorded around 1961, it's one the first (the first?) rock records using electronics.
"So Attracted To You" Quoth, "A great spooky cha-cha tune from 1959 by Herbi Silvers and his Orchestra. This song features Leon "Herbi" Silver on vocals and saxophone and his "Silver Belles"." Dr. Samuel J. Hoffman, the man on the theremin here, was possibly the most widely known and recorded thereminist ever, appearing on American national TV shows like "Tonight" with Johnny Carson, recordings with everyone from Les Baxter to Captain Beefheart, and countless mystery/horror/sci-fi film scores. There's a treasure-trove of his stuff here.

And this concludes today's history lesson. Questions?



Oh, come on now, can I see some new hands?

THOSE DARN ACCORDIONS!

San Francisco's six-piece accordion-slinging zanies name-check Myron Floren (Lawrence Welk's accordion-wielding polka-meister) as they cover Grand Funk Railroad's '70s cock-rocker "We're An American Band" thusly:

"We're coming to your town, we make annoying sounds, We're An Accordion Band!"

Gimmicky for sure, but darn those accordions, it's fun headbangin' stuff.

MAN, DIG THAT CRAZY JESUS

Here's a little Easter egg for ya, courtesy of Tommy George, a Big-Band music veteran, songwriter, and, later in life, TV writer ("Starsky & Hutch"!). But recently he recorded a self-released album of swingin' Big-Band original gospel tunes called "Jesus Saves, Jesus Swings!," full of professional-sounding finger-snappers like "Jump For Jesus," and "Tore Up From The Floor Up," that praise the Lord in hipster slang.

"He Ain't Here" is an upbeat reading of the story of the Passion and Resurrection in which George cheerfully sings, "They gave him to the soldiers/to be beaten and to be scourged!" There's a million Christmas songs, but we finally now have an Easter classic.

And if you cats were diggin' that, here's a new dance called the "Jesus Jive."

(But isn't "jive" another word for nonsense...?)

NEW WAVE BOSSA NOVA

"Nouvelle Vague" is supposedly the French translation of both the terms "New Wave" and "bossa nova." And that pretty much sums it up. French electronica musicians/producers Marc Collin and Olivier Libaux's debut as Nouvelle Vague (to be released soon in America on Luaka Bop) reimagines punk classics into an EZ-cheezy cocktail mix. The Dead Kennedys, The Clash, and Pil are among the old anarchists flown to a beach in Brasil, as an ooh-la-la female singer seductively croons their old hits. I know, lounge versions of rock oldies is an oldie itself by now, but these are some clever arrangements. Witness their take on The Cure's "A Forest," or XTC's "Making Plans For Nigel." Aaaah...

TRADITIONAL AFRICAN PUNK ROCK

Konono No. 1 started off as a group playing traditional music of their native Congo, Africa, decided to experiment with electronics to amplify their sound, and then things got weird. Most African music is either acoustic traditional, or slick modern pop, but Konono No. 1 (are there more?) have a hard, noisy sound and berserk energy level the likes of which I've never heard before. The poor but resourceful crew cobbled together home-made microphones and speakers, resulting in a distortion-drenched sound, and fashioned percussion instruments out of pots, pans, and auto parts, as can be seen on the Crammed Disk Records website. The traditional instrument the thumb-piano is hand-held - small metal rods are plucked with the thumb to go "boing" - but when played loud and distorted sound more like an electric guitar. Songs like "Lufuala Ndonga" come off like a band of witch doctors playing Ministry covers. (Three minutes in the fun really starts.)

Ears stopped ringing? Then check out "Paradiso," which answers the question: What would it sound like if Carlos Santana took speed and was limited to only 8 notes?

THE RETRO-TECHNO SOUNDS OF CHIP MUSIC

There's a whole school of music that shuns cutting-edge electronic instruments or computer programs in favor of the kind of primitive 8-bit technology found in video games or '80s computers like the Commodore 64. The C64 was sold between 1982 and 1993 and was one of the biggest movers in home-computer business history - more were sold then all the Macs put together - so nostalgia is certainly a factor, but "chip" composers are also drawn to the challenges and inherent fascination of trying to make music with such rinky-dink sounds. The Micro-Music website has lots of tunes you can download, and they don't all sound like Pac-Man soundtracks. Some are hip-hoppy, some suggest reggae dub, some rock'n'roll, but I doubt you'll hear anything better than Duff Fader's

"Chuck-da-8bix" 

Glitchy Rich took a rap acapella from the same time period (a 1987 Public Enemy classic), electronically processed it and wrote some new 8-bit tunage as backing. If we must have an '80s revival, may it sound like this.

ROCK 'N' ROLL ROBERT BLAKE JUROR

The American media feeding frenzy over the murder trial of actor Robert Blake might finally be waning since the not-guilty verdict was handed in a couple of days ago, but in a shocking act of necrophilia (to quote his website): "Juror number eleven, Roberto Emerick, decided to express his feelings the only way he knows how - through music, and here it is: Judgment day is a six song CD based on the murder trial of Robert Blake, the star of Barreta and the Little Rascals who was accused of killing his wife Bonnie Lee Bakely"

Taken in total, the six lo-fi mp3s create a rock-opera like effect (paging Andrew Lloyd Weber), with some songs told from Blake's point of view, like "Rosie," expressing Blake's love for the daughter he and Blakey had. I think the acusatory "Nurse Nancy" has something to do with the baby's nanny. But "Opening Statement", which sums up both the prosecution's and the defense's arguments, is not only "Judgement Day" in a nutshell, it's also quite simply one of the strangest footnotes in American legal history.

Apparently the law forbids jurors making a profit from their service for at least 90 days, and after this period a CD featuring good sound-quality version of these songs will be released. Betcha can't wait.

PS: Mrs Fab, our friends, and I often dine at the scene of the crime, Vitello's Restaurant (it's just up the street from us), where Blake often ate. In fact there's a dish named after him still on the menu. Now that's he's free, does this mean we'll be seeing him there?

I'm scared.

Hold me!

B.J. SNOWDEN'S "ST PATRICK'S DAY"

B.J. Snowden is a well-known (in certain circles) singer-songwriter who's recorded one of the few songs about St. Patrick's Day. It's even called "St Patrick's Day" and it certainly would give pause to Irish pub denizens expecting The Clancy Brothers. Like her other songs, it's largely played solo, on a Casio. Some have said B.J. can't sing, and her clunky lyrics are amatuerish, but hey, she's actually got a degree from the Berklee College of Music and is a grade-school music teacher. So there!

Discovered by Fred Schneider of The B-52's, she charms New York's jaded hipsters with songs as straightforward and sincere as her album title, "In Memory of My Father & My Life In Canada's Atlantic Provinces." I'm sure she won't be getting smashed on Bushmills like you bums because she's a nice lady with a teenage son and she probably has to teach class the next day, but if you're out there whoopin' it up on St Paddy's Day, hoist a glass and sing along with B.J. She'll be happy to know you enjoy her music.

GIRL'S CHOIR SINGS "I TOUCH MYSELF"

The Scala Choir is a Belgian girl's chorale led by two brothers: Steven and Stijn Kolacny. One provides piano accompaniment and the other conducts. But, for undetermined reasons, they've released two albums (not released in the US unfortnately) of unlikely pop covers. "Smells Like Teen Spirit," Radiohead's "Creep," Lou Reed, Red Hot Chili Peppers and Nine Inch Nails all get the classical vocal choir treatment. And then there's The Divinyls' ode to female self-satisfaction, "I Touch Myself." How old are these girls, and how great is their command of the English language? Do their mothers know what they're singing?

Definitely better than "The Vienna Boy's Choir Goes Pop" album, even if the the Boys did cover Metallica.

2 FOR ST PATRICK'S DAY

It would be nice if there was more of an examination/celebration of Irish culture on St Pattie's. But what do we get? Shamrock shakes & green beer. It's such a wasted opportunity. Not that I'm helping:

"It's Whiskey": Run-DMC's "It's Tricky" vs The Pogues & The Dubliners
"Compton's In The Dingle": NWA "Compton's In The House" vs The Chieftain's "The Dingle Set"

I picture Eazy-E dancing a jolly jig as Dr Dre plays the fiddle. Gives a whole new meaning to "Black Irish." (Sorry.)

HAND-FART MUSIC

It's called "manualism" thankyouverymuch, and The Three Tendons are amongst the world's foremost practioners, even appearing on "The Tonight Show." Their web site now has video clips - see them squeeze immortal melodies out of their bare hands! - and lots of songs (in .ram, not mp3. Sorry). Their version of "The Girl From Ipanema" will have you spitting coffee all over your keyboard, so be careful. Other instruments (like tire pumps) are also used. Laugh all you want, but it's incredibly difficult to get anything remotely musical out of the act of squeezing your hands together - the "hand-whistled" version of "Danny Boy" is astonishing.

MIC IN TRACK

From Stark Effect: A "mic in track" is a recording made on a PC...record from the microphone input of the PC's sound card and save the recording in mp3 format. The default filename is "mic in track" followed by a number."

Basically that means someone else's home recordings that YOU can download. Type "mic in track" into a peer-to-peer network (KaZaa, etc) and you can download/eavesdrop someone reciting poetry, personal messages, practicing the bongos, anything else people do with a microphone on - the audio of equivalent of Peeping Tommery.

Stark Effect has brilliantly created a series of remixes from his collection of these recordings, ranging from the sublime ("Think Of Me") to the ridiculous ("Eeples and Beeneenees.") "Bunnyrabbits, Satan, Cheese and Milk" was even named Best Remix of 2002 by radio WFMU. And they should know. Dozens of raw, unedited m-i-t recordings are available as well, such as "14," a dramatic 10 minute phone conversation between a former boyfriend and a troubled 14-year-old mother. Yikes.

MORE MICHAEL

In response to yesterday's post, here's Cheekyboy's Michael Jackson vs Pink Floyd mix.

Isn't it nice that we can find humor in the face of such unpleasantness?

MICHAEL MASHED

A funny new one from the UK's Excelents:
"Michael's Little Children" Michael Jackson and Vincent Price's "Thriller" have never sounded more scary than when juxtaposed against Billy J. Kramer's "Little Children."

ANYONE CAN COMMENT NOW

I didn't realize settings were set so that "Only Registered Users" could leave comments. I fixed it so now anyone can. No wonder most folks have been sending me emails instead of leaving comments. Big ol' heap o' stinkin' thanks to anyone who has commented by either method.

ANNOUNCEMENT: If you've asked me to review your music and I haven't, it's usually because a) I've just reviewed something very similar and I like to have variety, or b) I haven't had the time to check it out yet. I may very well review you in the future. Do NOT be discouraged or think I just don't like you for some reason. Pass along any tips, whore yourself, etc. You all have suggested some great stuff, so please keep it rollin' gang.

THE SOMNILOQUIES OF DION MCGREGOR

Although Dion McGregor had some success as a song lyricist (Barbra Streisand, Blossom Dearie) his greatest recorded legacy was a 1964 album called "The Dream World of Dion McGregor." Some people spend untold hours, if not years, trying to craft a classic album - McGregor could do it in his sleep. Literally. His roommate and songwriting partner tape-recorded McGregor talking in his sleep for an incredible seven years (1960-1967). Not the usual sleeptalking mumbles, these are full-fledged mini-dramas, with McGregor providing narration, dialogue, sound effects, and music, usually ending with him screaming. Decca, a major-label no less, released the first album, but McGregor, who died in 1994, would not live to see the release of a second collection, "Dion McGregor Dreams Again," or the recent release "The Further Somniloquies of Dion McGregor." Future release are a possibility.

Although the dreams are bizarre, surreal and frightning, the man was anything but. By all accounts he was a real-life incarnation of Jack from "Will and Grace." Never fully employed, always flirting with show-business but too much of a goof to seriously pursue it, McGregor crashed on friends couches or spare beds for years, getting away with it because he was so entertaining - his hilariously campy sense of humor comes through in the recordings. The net result is like Kafka performed by drag queens.

If you can survive "Food Roullette," watch out for the "Horseshoe Crabs."

BUSHWACKED IS BACK

In October, Cambridge, UK's Twinkleboi posted

"Bushwacked,"

an on-line album of bootleg mashup/sound-collages inspired by President Bush and the war in Iraq. A new-and-improved version is back online with contributions from, among many others, Wax Audio, Osymyso, Eve Massacre, Instamatic, Don Amott, Earworm, Gordyboy, and RX, the mad genius who re-edits speeches to make it appear as if Bush is singing/reciting songs like U2's "Sunday Bloody Sunday."

WILLIAM SHATNER REMIXED

Well, now I've heard everything.

As you doubtless know by now, Cpt. Kirk has a new album, "Has Been" and it's honestly good. I'm almost disappointed. After rockin' his '60s record for years, I was hopeing his return to the studio would be an update of that style, something like, "Here we are now...Entertain...us...We are stupid!..and...courageous!" Naw, he's legit now.

But a remix contest? William Shatner? Ay ay captain, it's on at AcidPlanet. You might win ACIDPro 5, the software all us big-time mashers use. You can only use the 2 Shatner songs provided, and Acid beats and samples, but there's still been a lot of diversity in the entrants so far, everything from well-made hip-hop ("William Shatner Keepin' It Gangsta" - LOVE that title), to the "dub-western" of "An Ideal Woman Has Been", to thrown-together fart jokes. Yep, still boldly going where no man has gone before...

CONELRAD'S ATOMIC BOP

I've been sick. And not just in the head like usual. But being home alot lately has finally given me the time to explore the wonders of CONELRAD.com, a bomb-shelter's worth of Cold War audio and visual artifacts. From Bert the Turtle telling kids what to do in the event The Bomb falls (why, just duck under your desk!), to "The Complacent American"'s horrifying vision of the nuclear death that awaits those who don't attend Civil Defense Dept neighborhood meetings, from the '50s teen-death ballad "Fallout Shelter" to the toe-tappin' sounds of The Goldwaters (singing "Folk Songs To Bug The Liberals"), there's hours of paranoid music and unintentionally hilarious dialogue in Real Audio. Quoth the site: "CONELRAD is presently hard at work on a deluxe 5 CD ATOMIC PLATTERS boxset produced in association with Bear Family Records and scheduled for a Spring 2005 release." 'Til then, you can listen for free. And remember, when stocking your bomb-shelter, "By all means provide some tranquilizers to ease the strain and monotony of life in a shelter. A bottle of 100 should be adequate for a family of four. Tranquilizers are not a narcotic and are not habit forming. Ask a doctor for his recommendation."

NICKELBACK VS NICKELBACK

As requested by a reader a few weeks back:

Two years after grunge-rockers Nickelback had a hit with "How You Remind Me," they basically released it again, with different lyrics, as "Someday." A British website hosts a mix made by Bumblefoot of both tunes played simultaneously, one in each channel:
Nickelback vs Nickelback.

THE CONSERVATIVE PAR-TAYS!

Bud The Weiser cuts up political dialogue over U.T.F.O.'s old-skool hip-hop joint "Roxanne Roxanne." Tony Blair encouraging binge drinking is amusing, but things really get cookin' when Ronnie gets busy with Maggie. Click on this, baby.

Here's another (better?) version with Herbie Hancock: "Blair Drinks With A Rockit."

GO TO COMFORT STAND

The excellent "net-label" Comfort Stand is going on hiatus until August. All the old stuff is still available, just no new tunes/odd sounds til then. Aw, durn. Well, it gives us a chance to catch up on things like Dan Deacon's "Lion With A Shark's Head," a They Might Be Giants-ey gem that would go well with the nerdcore stuff I wrote about earlier, (e.g. the The Nourishment).

"Party Fun With Recorders" is a marvel of sonic archeology, collecting home cassette recordings from thrift stores of families, friends and children, goofing off in front of a microphone. I have got to do a remix or something of The Cheese Band.

GOOFY BOOTLEGS & WACKY MASHUPS

-Pheugoo cross-breeds rapper Jay-Z with some classic 18th century Americana in "Oh Encore"

- Lex Plays Cheese, in this instance, fusing the mod '60s grooviness of the theme from "The Odd Couple" with the modern bubblegum disco of SClub7 into "Soddcouple7," available here.

- Mr Shhh time-warped the Beastie Boys back to the days when mc's had to bust rhymes over banjos and whistling: "Boys Went A-Courtin'," which is "Intergalactic" over a track from Harry Smith's Anthology of American Folk Music: "King Kong Kitchie Kitchie Ki-Me-O" by Chubby Parker. The direct link isn't working. Hmm. Well, get it from here.

- and it doesn't get sillier than this: DJ Tripp from The SanFran area asked me to do a Depeche Mode song called "Sea of Sin" in a lounge stylee for a bootleg Depeche collection he's compiling. He asked for it, he got it. Mr Fab and his Bargain Slacks sing "Sea of Swing" over a karaoke version of Louis Prima's "Just A Gigolo." Sing along!

NERDCORE prt 5: DISASTERADIO

By coincidence, the last two posts were dealing with Australian music, so as long as we're Down Under:

Disasteradio: New Zealand's answer to Perrey & Kingsley, Wendy Carlos, Kraftwerk, and DEVO all rolled into a one-man obsession with cheezy synth pop and obsolete technology, dropping (mostly instrumental) songs like "Synthtease" that could be the backing track to the greatest song Soft Cell never recorded. Elsewhere, he goes on a "Science Badge Adventure," is haunted by the "Ghost In The Pong Machine," and salutes one of the first sampling synthesizers in "Fairlight (Preset Delight Mix)." Even when he indulges in the standard nerd fantasy of running over the hot chick's jock boyfriend, he plays it on rinky-dink Casios so you know he wouldn't really hurt anyone. Unless he's building a giant laser death-ray in his room...

MARDI GRAS SONG BY A GAY

I love Louisiana and it's culture, and today is the mammoth bachanalia (or however you spell it) known as Mardi Gras. I've been to New Orleans a few times, and have seen many of the legends of Louisiana music, like The Neville Brothers, Buckwheat Zydeco, Boozoo Chavis, and The Preservation Hall Jazz Band.

But we won't be listening to them.

I don't know if Russian singer-songwriter Alex Jones (now living in Sydney, Australia) is gay, or, as he would say, "a gay," but I do know that of the countless songs recorded to celebrate Fat Tuesday, Carnaval, Mardi Gras, etc., there has never has anything quite like this: a heavily-echoed Jones sings in accented English over a Casio beat about a gay Mardi Gras celebration, with lyrics like, "Gays are successful in keeping profile, Attracting young people by their lifestyle."

You'll probably need to read the lyrics as you listen to "Mardi Gras." The bespectacled, conservative businessman-looking Mr. Jones has many other tunes available as well, like "That's Where I Wanna To Be." And, yes, that is the name of the song.

MINISTRY OF SHIT

Auatralia's bad boy of electronic music, Dsico, has been awfully generous lately - first, he dropped his "You Fight Like A Girl" EP on us, as noted last week. And now he makes a 2003 compilation available for free download: "Ministry of Shit: 2003 Anus" is a various-artists collection that violently demolishes pop music. He plans on making this available for only a week or two, so don't dilly-dally or you won't get stuff like:

- Trotters "Ice Ice Bacon": a hilarious cut-up that makes Vanilla Ice sound obsessed with pig fat;
- Mark N "I Love Feces": Louis Armstrong reveals his favorite kinky fetish;

- and DJ Smallcock's "Curse of the Smallcock," about which Dsico writes, "Dj Smallcock is the psuedonym of Lucas Abela, who is known for his rather extreme performances using combinations of contact mics, turntable styluses, sheets of plate glass, powersaws and other potentially harmfull objects. so yeah its supposed to sound like that - i think he did really tiny little edits of the entire vocal track to get a unusual digital distortion. its not really for the dancefloor..."

It's not?

DJ SCOTCH EGG

Carrasco from the UK writes: "just got home from the Go Team's gig in liverpool (fucking excellent), and thought i'd enlighten you all on the support act DJ Scotch Egg. well, this Japanese looking fella steps on stage in a cap and ear muffs with a stuffed pig toy down his top, with just a keyboard, megaphone and microphone. his music was kinda heavy techno/gabba/drum and bass with computer noises. he played 3 tracks, all with the same lyrics, which i could make out as "fuck. fucking... fuck KFC, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Fucking KFC. KFC will fuck you up." Then he went mad and started throwing eggs into the crowd. on the whole a nightmare and a genius in one. if you get chance to see it at a gig do because he is hilarious."

Apparently, he was originally known as Shiez 2000 when KFC contacted him to do some commercial music. However, according the the adaadat Records site, "overindulgence in the heavily treated foreign foodstuff left Mr. 2000 with a bad attitude and much excess aggression. Concerned, ADAADAT's resident music therapist encouraged him to channel this negativity into live performance. DJ SCOTCH EGG was born." They promise a debut album soon. Doesn't say if they will all be anti-KFC songs or not.

ACAPELLA HEAVY METAL

Remember when Beavis and Butthead would stand there playing air guitar and singing Black Sabbath songs? "Dah dah dah-dah-dah!" Jud Jud actually do that - two guys making acapella metal originals (no Sabbath covers - yet) like "Fast Song." They sing all instrument parts, even do drum fills and that double-bass drum roll so common in thrash-land. Unlike their cartoon contemporaries, however, they're deadly serious. Which, of course, makes them all the more funny.

Entire Jud Jud albums to listen to here.

RHYMES WITH "VOGUE"

You know where to find me the first Friday of the month: Club Moog, downtown Los Angeles. Dancing 'n' romancing to retro-techno hits of the '60s/'70s spun by several DJs, with trippy lighting and visuals, and, to kick things off this Fri, master thereminist Sukho Lee of the wonderfully cheezy Space-Age Japanese pop band Sexu Roba will be performing. On theremin, not Moog. But that's ok. I've seen this guy live before - he doesn't just wave his hands around and make a racket, but plays with astonishing beauty. One of the lightshow guys goes back to the '60s, and claims The Velvet Underground on his resume.

If you can't be in LA, check out this Moog-tastic album called "Electric Hair" available thru Sunday as a free listening stream, courtesy of the good people at Basic Hip.com. Scroll down to "Click'n'Play Albums," and open the pod bay doors, HAL.

Well, since I mentioned them, let's listen to Seksu Roba's "Velvet Star."

"YOU FIGHT LIKE A GIRL"

Australia's DSICO That No-Talent Hack (he calls himself that, I'm not editorializing) is best known for his mash-ups and electro covers, like the definitive Nirvana remake "Smells Like Electro." But his new EP, "You Fight Like A Girl" is all live instruments, vox and lyrics. So this one might actually get into some legit record shops. Only 500 copies pressed, so get it while it's hot. My fave, "When You Gonna Love Me," is top-notch techno-punk, but he didn't post the mp3 for it. But "Modulations" is good.

THE MUSIC OF DAVID KORESH

I don't have any of his music. I turn to YOU, gentle reader, to point me in the direction of any recordings of the wacko of Waco, the cult leader who claimed to be Jesus and went out in a blaze of glory. Yes, he tried to make it in the music biz, and there are tapes floating around of his mellow-rock song stylings. Amazing that I haven't found 'em by now...

MORE SINGING DOCTORS

In December we featured singing doctor Mechelle Seibel's "Health Rock." That was good-natured, educational stuff (if gruesomely explicit), in stark contrast to Adam Kay and Suman Biswas, whose CD "Fitness to Practice" is a savage parody of the British medical establishment and its patients. Not surprisingly, "The Menstrual Rag" is based on "The Vatican Rag" by that original black-humored piano-man Tom Lehrer. It's amazing that these two can keep their medical licenses with profanity-laden tunes like "Careless Surgeon," but they do contribute all CD sales proceeds to cancer research, so that probably helps. However, nothing's as funny as this non-medical themed parody of The Jam's "Going Underground" called "London Underground," a hilarious denouncing of London's subway system. As a long-time public transportation user meself, I feel their pain.

TAP-DANCING THE NEWS

Sondra Lowell reads the news. While tapdancing. She recently got into this crazy new pod-casting thing just in time for the November election and claims that she called Bush's victory hours before the rest of the media. While singing and tap-dancing. (I'd like to see Dan Rather do that!) (Actually, that really is a disturbing image). Stay on top of the news with Sondra at openpodcast.org.

She also sent out a press release: "World's Most Famous Tap Dancing Podcaster Shares Her Beauty Secrets," in which we learn, among other things, that she wraps red strings around her wrists "to ward off the evil eye."

THE DISTURBED WORLD OF ROBERT ALBERG

Robert Alberg's sad life is detailed here, chronicling his battle with mental illness and depression. So despondent was he that he began creating deadly poisons, pondering the possibility of killing all life on earth. He was recently sentenced to five years probation. Since he won't be behind bars, perhaps he'll still be able to record songs like "Martian Sands" from his self-released CD.

MORE MUSIC BY TREKKIES

DJ Netgyrl makes electronic dance music with liberal use of "Star Trek: Voyager" sound bytes, usually arranged in such a way as to make the characters sound gay or lesbian, as in "You Are My Sunshine." She's done several songs using the same 2 characters: Capt. Janaway & Seven. So if music about lesbian encounters between old ladies and robots is your thing, you know where to go.

----------------------------------------------
I don't know what's up with m-1.us - host is doing some maintenance. New mps3 aren't downloadable right now. Patience please...

NERDCORE prt. 4: MUSIC BY TREKKIES

The soundtrack to "Trekkies 2," a documetary about the bizarre, hilarious world of "Star Trek" fans, features music by fan groups in a surprising variety of styles: rock, pop, acoustic, even that type of heavy metal where the singers sound like Cookie Monster. Fred Schneider of the B52s is the one ringer; otherwise it's stricly artists you won't often hear outside of a fan convention. Sound samples here that are full of references I don't get.

SCOTT JOHNSON "JOHN SOMEBODY"

Long before sampling, turntablism, mash-ups etc., became common currency, Scott Johnson was creating amazing pieces for tape loops and electric guitar. It wan't easy - composing meant literally hand cutting & splicing tape, and fashioning loops (sometimes as long as 25 ft) to run thru recorders. John Zorn's Tzadik Records label has recently released an album called "John Somebody," and we're all the better for it. The title piece [click to listen], begun in 1977, is a classic example of the Johnson style - taking recordings of real people talking, writing original music based the rhythms and cadences of conversation, and making those voices sing.

One section, "Involuntary Songs," is created by layering tapes of people laughing, then writing happy guitar music as accompaniment. I found myself starting to chuckle along with it. Ooh, what weapons to torture your room/office mates with!

He's called a "composer" and has had his stuff played by fancy-shmancy folks like the Kronos Quartet and ballet companies, yet he plays rockin' distored electric guitar, and premiered "John Somebody" at The Mudd Club, the infamous New York punk hang-out of the late '70s. To Johnson, it's all good.

Although these are old out-of-print recordings, they're still new to most ears - two pieces on this album have never been released before. Essential.

STAN SWINGS!

Stan Ridgeway led one of the great bands back in the punk days, Wall of Voodoo, and his solo career has veered from alt-rock story-telling to occassional returns to the techno-punk of his Voodoo days. But I never would have expected this: "The Way I Feel Today! (crooning the classics)." The first half of the album features '50s finger-snappers like "I Got You (Under My Skin)", with big-band arrangements hewing close to the Sinatra originals. The second covers classic showtunes. Stan's always been such a smart-ass, I keep waiting for the punchline. But there isn't any - it's presented in such a straightfoward fashion that your mom (or grandmother) would probably like it. But still...Stan doesn't reveal any new vocal tricks - he sings everything like "Mexican Radio," old Voodoo-mate Bill Noland adds odd synth sounds, and, for "Witchcraft," spooky theremin, and those aliens on the front cover all make me think there's something a tad off here. "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" is the one song that really does go off the deep end, with it's endless animal sound effects and strange synths. An album as thoroughly entertaining as it is inexplicable.

It's ONLY available through CDBaby.com in very limited (like less than 150 copies left) quanities so get it now. The aliens thank you.

KINDLER, GENTLER GANGSTAS

Nina Gordon, formerly of alt-rockers Veruca Salt, has recorded a sensitive acoustic version of NWA's "Straight Outta Compton." Oh, how I would love to see the crowd's reaction if some brave DJ played this at a hip-hop club...

DUELING "DUELING BANJOS"

In this corner: Don Amott King of Country country-fies Public Enemy in "Rebel Without A Banjo."

And in the other corner: MattCatt took "Dueling Banjos," ran it thru some computer gizmos and came up with "Dueling Pianos." Although some of those sounds are distinctly un-pianoesque.

They're both fu-NEE, darn tootin'.

EVERYTHING THE BEATLES EVER RECORDED IN 2 MINUTES

Well, not quite, but Hank Handy's "Beatles Medley" does pile a lot of Beatlesongs on top of one another to amazing effect. This could very easily have become a train wreck, but it's glorious.

WHAT MICHAEL JACKSON WOULD LOOK LIKE...

...if he hadn't had all the plastic surgery. Not a tune, but you've got to see this:
Alternate Universe Michael

NERDCORE prt. 3: THE NOURISHMENT

They might be They Might Be Giants. But they're not. They're The Nourishment, a local (Los Angeles) combo. At least one member has been known to wear a gorilla suit on stage. They recently put hours of their stuff, going back years, on-line on their site LegalizeFood.com. From their "Take Care of Junior" collection, here's a song that the 2 Johns wish they wrote: "He's A Bit."

Utterly Appalling Music

The god-hates-fags guy Fred Phelps has mp3s of songs like "God Hates America" and "America The Burning" on his site godhatesamerica.com sung by his Westboro Baptist Church choir. Come on everybody, sing along! "Oh wicked land of sodomites..."

NERDCORE prt2: MC HAWKING

Stephen Hawking: brilliant physicist, considered the heir to Newton and Einstein; crippled by Lou Gehrig's disease, he speaks thru a voice synthesizer.
MC Hawking: his hard-core hip-hip alter ego.

So someone gets ahold of the type of voice synthesizer Dr. Hawking uses and records a buncha profanity-laden rap songs. About science. Sounds like it might be funny for maybe 30 seconds, right? Guess again Einstein, this is genius - whoever is behind this knows both his science AND his hip-hop. The debut album "A Brief History Of Rhyme" just dropped, dripping with tunes both hilarious and (I hate to say it) even sorta educational. From "F%@# Tha Creationists": "...they're a bunch of punk-ass bitches/every time I think of them my finger trigger itches/Noah and his ark, Adam and his Eve/straight-up fairy stories only children believe..." Funny, rightous, boomin' beats. "Entropy" is a parody of Naughty By Nature's "OPP" (with another dig at Creationism thown in), "What We Need More of is Science" peels New Age kooks' caps back, and "UFT For The MC" is The Sex Pistols' "Anarchy In The UK" with new lyrics reflecting the Hawkman's quest for a Unified Field Theory. The real Stephen Hawking is aware of this project and has given it his blessing.

However, as with The Lords of the Rhymes (see yesterday's post), nerd cultural references are sometimes lost on me - it took me a few listens to realize that "QuakeMaster" refers to a video game.

NERDCORE prt1: LORDS OF THE RHYMES

The Lords of the Rhymes are a Beasties-ish rap duo who take almost all their lyrical inspiration from the "Lord of the Rings" books/movies. Their site has lots of pictures of people in fan convention home-made costumes. Even if, like me, you're not a Ring-head, you might dig songs like "Nine-Fingered Frodo" - big points for sampling Serge Gainsbourg. But, to be honest, I don't have the foggiest idea what they're talking about.

DON'T OPEN 'TIL NEW YEARS EVE

I'll be gone 'til January, so here's an early posting of a eerie version of "Auld Land Syne" by the three-theremin East Coast combo The Lothars.

I was just thinking...what if Ron Jeremy had a Christmas album? "Ron's Rated X-mas"! He could do stuff like "Round Young Virgins," "A Lay In A Manger," "Heavenly Piece," "Jesus, Mary & Jenna"...

THE BEASTLES

Boston's djBC has a collection of Beastie Boy vocals set to Beatles music, similiar to Dangermouse's "Grey Album" called "The Beastles," but I like this one better, probably cuz a) BC throws more imagination and variety into the mix and, b) I love the Beastie Boys. But EMI does not love djBC, so grab this now - it won't be up long.

EYEBALL SKELETON

Eyeball Skeleton are a nine-year-old boy, his seven-year-old little brother, and their dad on guitar and drum machine. They have a great theme song called "Eyeball Skeleton", natch, but 'tis the season, so here's a brand-spankin' newie from 'em called "Santa's On The Run." Their debut album is scheduled for an early '05 release, and will feature such titles as
"Spooky Mummy Case," "Flat Top Vampire," "The Bouncing Apes," "Bad Guy Stew," and "I Don't Eat Cereal On The Weekends."

VIDEO GAME XMAS MUSIC

The best Christmas music release of the year? Perhaps. A various artists EP called "The 8bits of Christmas" presents holiday hits using sampled video-game sounds. I know that sounds like an annoying collection of beeps, but it's amazing musical - dig "The First Blip-Blop Noel."

From 8bitpeoples.com, scroll down the page a bit to grab the whole collection.

HIGH-SCHOOL BAND DEMOLISHES JOHNNY MATHIS

The Farragut (Knoxville, TN) High School band plays "The Most Wonderful Time Of the Year" like you've never heard it before.

THE STRANGEST "O HOLY NIGHT" EVER

"O Holy Night" performed on 3 theremins and guitar, by a fantastic group called The Lothars, out of Boston. They treat their theremins with effects pedals, as if they didn't sound strange enough. Lots of mp3s on their site that Stereolab fans should pounce on if they know what's good for 'em. ODing on holiday music? Check out "Bleep-Bloop." You'll be glad you did.

FAT NAKED ELVIS

Extreme Elvis is a fat, sometimes naked Elvis impersonator. Elvis impersonators are very near-and-dear to my heart, as Mrs. Fab and I were married at an Elvis chapel in Las Vegas. But by a slim, clothed one. His music, as demonstrated by this version of "Blue Christmas," seems quite normal. But imagine him singing looking and acting like he does on his profoundly disturbing website, extremeelvis.com.

He recently invaded the hallowed halls of high-culture by performing at UCLA's Royce Hall as part of notorious filmmaker John Waters' Christmas special. Waters has recently compiled a various-artists collection of demented thrift-store records called, naturally, "A John Waters Christmas," featuring stars like The Chimpunks and Tiny Tim - but not Tiny Tim's holiday classic "Santa Claus Has Got The AIDS This Year." Too tasteless even for Waters perhaps? It does features my nomination for worst Christmas record ever - Little Cindy's "Happy Birthday Jesus": a little kid with a thick Southern accent thick delivering spoken-word drivel about Jesus, and poo-poohing "those awful naughty men" who crucified him. Can you top this? Another little kid sings a song called "Santa Claus Is A Black Man." I'm amazed at the inclusion of "Here Comes Fatty Claus" because I actually have a 45rpm vinyl copy from who knows when, and I didn't think anyone else knew about this record. It's a great country toe-tapper featuring the catchy chorus "Here comes Fatty with his sack of s---." It doesn't include the b-side though - the entire song played backwards.

Check the audio samples on Amazon.

"SPECIAL" KIDS SINGING "WHITE CHRISTMAS"

Courtesy of The Social Skills Centre: "White Christmas."

Anyone know where this comes from?

REGGAE HANNAUKAH

It's no joke: ReggaeChanukah.com.

Oi! The audio samples weren't working when I just tried them, but, trust me - I've heard this album. I know Hebrew melodies done inna rub-a-dub stylee sounds like some "Saturday Night Live" bit, but it's actually sincere and very skillfully played by a buncha slick pros, including one of No Doubt's horn players. Not just reggae either, but ska and African riddims too. Most peoples of the Hebroid persuasion will probably have big question marks over their head upon hearing this, but true Maniacs know not to ask why.

MAE WEST - "SANTA COME UP & SEE ME"

The legendary screen siren recorded this in 1968 when she was around 75 years old , and still workin' that sexpot image: "Santa Come Up And See Me."

Today's mp3 courtesy of the good elves at falalalala.com.

MERRY CHRISTMASH!

RIAA has contributed 2 tracks to a various-artists Christmas collection called "Merry Christmash." Thanks to the UK's Cheekyboy for compiling. The songs are "G-L-O-RIAA" (featuring Charleton Heston, Them with Van Morrison, The Vienna Boys Choir, The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Patti Smith, surprise guests); and terrible things are done to David Saville's "Chipmunk Song."

All songs are 100% recycled from existing recordings: there's BuG's delirious "12 Days of Christmas," Voicedude has Elvis singing over AC/DC, DJBC takes Vince Guaraldi's "Charlie Brown Christmas" to the chill-out lounge, and Pilchard's "Santa Baby" mixes Marilyn, Petula Clark and some gangsta rap...

LET'S ALL SING ABOUT VAGINITIS!

Dr. Machelle M. Seibel does. He's not just a Professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology at the University of Massachusetts. He's also a singer/songwriter/guitarist who's medical melodies can be found on his site healthrock.com.
He doesn't just sing about stinky female trouble - he's got lots o' toe-tappers like "Incontinence," "Prostate Check," and (for the kids) "The Phat Fat Rap." You might catch him when he gigs around the East Coast, hitting spots like the Annual Meeting of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine in Philadelphia, or the American Cancer Society Volunteer Recognition breakfast at the Waltham, MA Westin.

Warning! I tried to link an mp3 from his site, but when you click on a song it only saves it. Since I'm writing this at work, I panicked, "Damn! I've got a file called "vaginitis" on my computer!" and hurridly tried to find and delete it. Phew!

THE VIENNA VEGETABLE ORCHESTRA

Self-explanatory - no conventional musical instruments used by these Austrians. They tap on tomatoes, pound potatos, rub rutabegas, and even hollow out carrots to make flutes. At the end of a performance they throw their instruments into a pot, make a meal and serve the audience. And no, they're not making a vegetarian/vegan statement. From their website: "don't ask again. we've heard this question 2 million times." So knock it off, awright?!

Their new album "Automate" has a more abstract sound inspired by electronic music, although, of course, the music is all-natural: click on this to listen. Beginners might perfer to start with their first album. As vegetable music goes, it's the more commercial, mainstream sound: "Radetzky Marsch."

Here's a brief radio interview. Remember now kids: play with your food.

THE CAR-HORN ORGAN

Since 1983, Wendy Chambers has been performing on the car-horn organ (which is exactly what you'd think it is, complete with one of those "aw-ooo-gah" horns) such standards as "New York, New York." But with the holiday shopping season in full swing, you might want to consider picking up her Christmas CD - 9 seasonal swingers performed entirely on recycled automotive parts. Truly the gift for the man who has everything.

http://www.wendymae.com/carhornorgan.html

WHISTLER'S DELIGHT

"Whistler's Delight": This is either a delight indeed, or torture - depending on how you feel about close to 7 minutes of whistling. But if you read something called "Music For Maniacs," a medley of 20+ famous whistling records seemlessly mixed by Ohio's DJ Riko is probably just what you've been waiting for. It's oodles o' fun AND if you can guess the name of all the records used you'll win a rare CD or vinyl goodie. Send your guesses here.

Contestants might find The Online Guide to Whistling Records helpful.

MUSIC GENERATED BY THE BIBLE

The Beastie Boys say, "I got the s--- that's beyond bizarre," but even they coudn't have concieved of the utterly uncomprehensible weirdness of this:
"Music From The Torah."
Some wackos think that the Bible has hidden clues encoded in it that predict things like Sept. 11, the JFK assasination, blah, blah, blah. This is a musical variation: "By feeding the Hebrew text of the Bible through a user configurable music sequencer some very interesting and melodic results can be obtained." The funniest thing? Where it says that this is an offshoot from "mainstream Bible Code Research."

Hey, at least the musical samples on the site sound very nice.

The Definitive "I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU"

Starts off like a routine karaoke version, until...

Kevin Blechdom, w/DSICO: "Jon Whitney Houston"

SECRET SIGNALS

The Conet Project is something that's been around for a while, but I'll suspend my new-music rule in case y'all missed it:

For decades now, secret organizations have been broadcasting over short-wave radio what are apparently coded messages in the form of repeating numbers, letters, Morse code, music and/or sound effects. These "numbers stations" are assumed to be the work of spy agencies of many nationalities, judging by the variety of languages that are heard. The bizarre, mysterious nature of these messages, combined with the natural hissing and interference of a short-wave broadcast, create a kind of accidental electronic, ambient music. The Conet Project has been collecting recordings of number stations for years, and have 4-CD set that has been sampled a few times. One well-known band, Wilco, was actually sued for sampling a numbers station broadcast from the Conet album - Irdial Records who released the set own the copyrights to the recording, even though they didn't "write" the material. Did I mention copyright law is way out of control? Consider it mentioned.

Listen to this, but not alone in a dark room:

The Backwards Music Station
5 Dashes
nnn
Figure Counting 10 Rough Tones
Gong Station Chimes

COCKTAIL DRACULINA

...is the name of a "best of" cd released by Moscow, Russia's finest - Messer Chups, a buncha kooks who've apparently been rockin' them Ruskies since the mid '90s. Surf guitars and theremins coexist with modern technology, tho it's used for things like sampling Ed Wood movie dialogue. Many of these toe-tappers are new'n'improved remixes/remakes from their swelling (and swell) catalogue. "Tchaikovsky Beat" turns classical music into '60s-style go-go beat, "Hey" is one of the best tracks on the Tipsy remix album, "Miss Surf" mashes-up The Beach Boys, Dick Dale and surf obscurity "Church Key" by the Revels, "Trashman Upgrade" takes "Surfin Bird" for another spin, "Snake Eyes" is analog-synth garage-rock, "Sentimental Double-Bass" sounds like The Ventures scoring a film-noir episode of "The Jetsons" (trust me, it really does), "Import-Export" is a robot mambo with a "Moon River"-ish theremin melody, "Verkalak Acid" mixes Perrey & Kingley electronics with monkey/exotic bird sounds, and in "Super Megera" Criswell sez "It will please me very much to see the slave girl with her tortures. It pleasures me, it pleasures me!" Me too.

Dig: "Orgia of Dead"

MUSICAL SAW, AND THEREMIN

Robert Froehner is a Texan master of both the saw and the equally-eerie sounding theremin, as detailed on his site theremin-saw.com. Yep, a saw, like you buy at the hardware store, but played with a violin bow (the smooth side, not the side you cut down trees with obviously). The theremin was invented by a Russian who's name happened to Theremin - boy, what are the odds? (*tap tap* Hello, is this thing on?) It's considered to be the first electronic instrument, and the only instrument of any kind that is played without being touched. One waves one's hands over antennas to play it, doesn't one? And one should listen to this beautiful (well, until the cheesy drum machine intrudes) sound sample as Mr. Froehner plays both instruments, first saw, then theremin, on this tune called "Going Home."

RADIO CRACK

Radio Crack recently created a surreal, yet perhaps more truthful cut-up of the Bush/Kerry debates: "The Grate Debates."

DILDO SAGA by Pee-Bug

This is THE most retarded, f-ed up thing I have ever heard in my LIFE:

"Dildo Saga."

BABY'S FIRST ONLINE COMPILATION

My fave online label Comfort Stand is celebrating their one-year birthday this month, and to celebrate they've posted "Comfort Cake," 28 tracks of assorted musical flavors, many of them tasty indeed. Dig the space/surf guitar ruckus of Full Load of King's "Ride A Wave To Uranus." Cowa-bong-ga! Martinibomb's mash-up "Dizzy ke Peeche" drops Bollywood vocals over '60s bubble-gum grooves, and Inzah's "Very Happy Encounters" is an example of some of the nice electro to be found here. But nothing's as perverse as Lee Rosevere's song, an attempt at a cheezy boy-band ballad, that I'm not posting a link to because I'm not sure we should be encouraging that kind of thing.

PREZ. BUSH SINGS JOHN LENNON

Imagine Dubya singing John Lennon's "Imagine." It's easy if you click.

This comes to us courtesy of waxaudio, whose website features his exotic photography: www.waxvisual.com.

www.polka-rap.com

No, I'm not making this up. A guy in New York started a website called www.polka-rap.com which, unfortunately, doesn't have any music on it. I asked why and he said he's too busy and apparantly doesn't have much of a musical background. But if anyone out there wants to make some rap/polka tunes and send 'em his way, his name is Robert Pierce
(hawkeye10729@yahoo.com). They can be originals, or mash-ups, where you take other artists acapellas and put 'em over polka recordings. He'll host them on his site.

CLASSICAL RAP

After rap star Jay-Z released a seperate album of acapella versions of songs from his latest release "The Black Album," a flurry of remix/mash-ups projects ensued, setting Z's vocals to a variety of musics. But none was more unlikely then the Baker Bros' free online release "The Classical Album." Yup, Jay-Z rhymin' over mostly 20th century classical...er...classics - from Ravel, Mahler, and Stravinsky, to more avant-garde cats like Conlon Nancarrow and Steve Reich. Although sometimes it's a train-wreck of hopelessly incompatible styles, New York's Baker Bros do pull it off on tracks like "Glass Off Your Shoulders," in which a Phillip Glass string quartet chugs along nicely under Mr. Z.

ROCK 'N' POLKA

Why are punk and polka considered to be at opposite ends of the cool spectrum? They're both bursting with energy, and often barrel along on a furious 2/4 beat. Jimmy Sturr, the King of Polka, with a hundred albums and a dozen Grammys under his lederhosen belt, has a new album, "Rock 'N' Polka." The concept? Classic rock performed polka style. Truly an idea who's time has come. It's available from iTunes, among other sources. I plunked down my 99 cents for an amazing version of "Rebel Rouser" - the menacing surf guitar tones of guest Duane Eddy are an amusing contrast to the chirpy accordian. I also went with The Beach Boys "Fun Fun Fun," another unlikely translation. Willie Nelson, no less, sings "Bye Bye Love." As wholesome as a church picnic, yet as exciting as a mosh pit. Don't believe me? Check out the audio samples from Amazon.

PORKY PIG

No, not the cartoon character. I have no idea why this album is called "Porky Pig," but I can tell ya this: it's on Standard Oil Records, apparently only 500 were pressed, it's got 4 artists, a comic-book AND a packet of "found photos."

Gelbart is the real find here. He makes wonderfully rinky-dink electro instrumentals like "Tokomon Rip-Off x3" that need only an Engilsh singer with a ludicrous hair-do to become New Wave classics. Lotsa fine free listening at gelbartmusic.com.

Dan Deacon contributes oddball instrumentals with annoying free-jazz parts, a good pop tune ("Hey Let's Go For A Ride"), and a vocoder-ized cut up of Jean Knight's old soul classic "Mr Big Stuff" that is funky-fresh fantastic. The Bran Flakes serve leftovers - you'd be better off by checking out one of their long-players, but these veteran sound-collage prankstas still thro in some great stuff, like this bit of advice from a cut-up bowling instructional record: "To get the most possible enjoyment out of your bowling, by all means, lose your temper. See the deskman for information about this." The Big City Orchestra are not the swingin' big band you'd expect, but makers of weird short ambient-ish instrumentals, best listened to on headphones whilst chillin'.

The "found photos" (culled from dumpsters, the sidewalk, etc) are pretty amusing: a fat couple, bald trendies at an art gallery, drunk-looking dinner party guests, and a pretty cool red-tinged shot of a row of mail boxes.

THE WORLD'S CHEEZIEST RECORD LABEL

Vitamin Records. The new 101 Strings. At last count they've released over 100 (!) string-quartet "tribute" albums dedicated to every band/singer you've ever heard of, and plenty that you haven't. Maybe the weirdest: covering the entirety of the "Velvet Underground & Nico" album. Interesting choice, considering that some songs on that album are pure noise.

But Vitamin doesn't just release, say, string quartet remakes of Black Sabbath songs. They also have apparently tongue-in-cheek cocktail lounge "tributes" to the likes of eminem and Outkast. The audio sample of the eminem album on Vitamin's website was terribly obnoxious, but the bossa-nova take on "Hey Ya" was quite nice. The also have electronic, straight rock and acoustic tributes. U2 is the subject of a bluegrass (!) and New Age (!!) collections, the latter boasting Enya-like singing over "ethereal" backing.

I'm the proud owner of one of their best releases: "Swingin' To Michael Jackson," a bona-fide big-band blast. The arrangements (by one Jim McMillen) would be the envy of Count Basie, the solos are jazz-legit, it's loud, brassy, and original, even throwing in some reggae during "Beat It."

Check out their catalog, and ask yourself, "Self, who is buying all this stuff?"