6 ALBUMS ABOUT...ER, YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO KNOW...

The music of Zoojay (Jonathan Niehaus) might be the most disturbing, disgusting stuff I've ever heard. Simply put, he sings about having sex with dogs. Siberian huskies, to be precise. There is some info on-line about Niehaus but I have no idea how true any of it is, e.g.: molesting animals is not just a fantasy for him as he has apparently been caught in the act, resulting in him being fired from a job at a pet store. And supposedly, he has made videos that feature him illustrating the songs. I'm not going to look for them to confirm this. Listening to this music is bad enough! And supposedly, he is on the autism spectrum  (not that that's any excuse.)

And he has six albums. 

Musically, it's crap rave/techno, and there are plenty of instrumentals for those with nervous dispositions. But the vocal numbers are what move Niehaus outside of most outsider musics. His voice, the high-pitched squeak of a pathetic sissy, would be funny in other circumstances, what with his rhythm-less/rhyme-less lyrics that make song-poem authors look like Shakespeare. He is utterly unconcerned about any possible harm he may be doing to his unwilling partners. And he is unrepentant, demanding that beastiality be legalized and that everyone should just "leave him alone." He names one song "This Human Sex Thing Is So Corny."

I haven't listened to all six, just bits and pieces here and there, but I did listen to the album "Anthems For Dogs Only" in its' entirety. Not all the songs are about animal abuse.  "What In The Hell" questions the economy. "Normal = Wrong Life" accuses his father of abuse. If that's true all I can say is: don't worry Dad, no jury will convict you. At least he's self-aware enough to name two songs "Shut The Fuck Up (With This God Damn Music)" and "This Song Sucks." And the "Shoktro" album has a song called "Boo, Get Off The Stage."
Unfortunately, "Shoktro" also features the song "The Instructional Guide To Having Sex With Huskies." Do not listen on a full stomach.

An anonymous reader provided us with this link:

Jonathan Niehaus Discography (6 albums)

Technical note: You'll need WinZip to download these. WinZip is free.
UPDATE: 7-Zip, also free, should work as well (thanks, DeReviùer)





Thanks (?) to anon. I promise my next posts will be culturally and spiritually uplifting!

Louis Farrakhan is Quite The Charmer

By request: Ray Schmitt's music for tree-huggers is back up.

Before Louis Farrakhan was the hate-mongering nut-job running The Nation of Islam, he wasn't even Louis Farrakhan. He was Louis "The Charmer" Wolcott, calypsonion. His brief show-biz stint in the mid-'50s didn't exactly pack stadiums the way The Million Man March did, so clearly the religion biz proved to be the more lucrative career choice. His music was actually pretty decent, tho. There just wasn't much to distinguish it from all the other records made to cash in on the post-Belafonte '50s calypso craze.  "Is She Is, Or Is She Ain't" is the most well-known of his recordings, a parody of the then-recent phenomenon of sex-change operations! Countless religious leaders have made recordings, from the Pope on down, but I don't believe too many have touched upon this important subject. "Female Boxer" is another new one to me, in which our protagonist recounts the time his butt was kicked by, yes, a female boxer. (Actually, I believe the Pope did sing about "foxy boxers," but it was in Latin, so few knew.) Otherwise, calypso fans will recognize most of these songs as oft-recorded standards. But hey, they're still good: can't have too many versions of "Zombie Jamboree" (aka "Back To Back Belly to Belly") or "Ugly Woman," a song famously remade by Jimmy Soul in the '60s as "If You Wanna Be Happy."  The rockin' version of "Hold 'Em Joe" is as good as any, and the energetic piano + percussion musical backing is fun. Charmer's voice is rarely more than adequate, tho his occasional hiccuping vocal accents are a nice touch. 

As evidence that he is perhaps losing what's left of his mind, Farrakhan has embraced Scientology in recent years, encouraging members of the Nation to get themselves "audited"!  As regular readers of this blog know, Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard made some awful albums that we posted here within the last year or so. Farrakhan is just what Scientology needs!  Next time, John Travolta and Chick Corea should forget Hubbard's terrible music and sing calypsos about transsexual zombie boxers!

The Charmer is Louis Farrakhan

1. IS SHE IS, OR IS SHE AIN'T
2. BROWN SKIN GAL
3. DON'T TOUCH ME NYLON
4. ZOMBIE JAMBOREE
5. FEMALE BOXER
6. FIRE DOWN THERE
7. UGLY WOMAN
8. DON'T LET ME MAMA KNOW
9. STONE COLD MAN
10. MARY ANN
11. HOLD 'EM JOE
12. TRINIDAD ROAD MARCH


Thanks to Count Otto Black for reminding me of this album - more of his bizarro British comedy rarities to come.

L. Ron Hubbard & Friends "The Road To Freedom"

We interrupt our usual assortment of good music for this...this...well, it's a Scientology album, whaddya expect?  Following up on our "Joy of Creating" post: clunky amateurish lyrics, horribly dated '80s wimp-pop that makes Toto sound like the Ramones, vocals by b-list actors, brothers of celebrities, washed-up child stars, never-made-its, a children's chorus, and John Travolta...yep, it's another musical pep rally/indoctrination tool from America's wackiest cult, with a truly jaw-dropping vocal from El Ron himself. If you've never heard one of these Scientology albums, you should check one out, at least once (in fact, once is probably all you'll be able to take!) to really experience how far over the edge seemingly sensible people can go. As Travolta sings: "Reality is me, reality is you, yeah yeah yeah..."

Listen with horrified fascination here:

 

The Road To Freedom

 

All songs written by L. Ron Hubbard.

1. The Road To Freedom (w/Frank Stallone, Leif Garrett, John Travolta)

2. The Way To Happiness (w/Leif Garrett)

3. The Worried Being (w/failed soul singer Amanda Ambrose in a laughable approximation of funk)

4. The Evil Purpose (w/Frank Stallone)

5. Laugh A Little (the sound effects get disturbingly psychotic; I'm pretty sure that was not the intention)

6. The Good Go Free (Bang yer head! This one "rocks 'n' rolls" like John Tesh trying to go heavy metal.)

7. Why Worship Death? (jazz/prog with Chick Corea; Julia Migenes unleashes hair-raising operatic vox that will send animals scurrying)

8. Make It Go Right

9. The ARC Song (w/a straining John Travolta really trying to, y'know, emote; and Karen Black)

10. L'Envoi/Thank You For Listening (w/L. Ron Hubbard)

 

Much thanks to ma main Thetan Rich, from KillUglyRadio!

 

 

 

 

L. RON HUBBARD SPLURGES ALL OVER YOU

"Force yourself to smile and you’ll soon stop frowning.
Force yourself to laugh and you’ll soon find something to laugh about. Wax enthusiastic and you’ll very soon feel so. A being causes his own feelings. The greatest joy there is in life is creating. Splurge on it!"

If you don't have those words memorized, you will, after hearing them repeated over and over on this ghastly 2001 album released by the Church of Scientology, voiced by a semi-all-star team of singers. It sets the poems of the cult's late founder L. Ron Hubbard over crappy music that sounds way too dated to have been recorded only 12 years ago.  I genuinely figured this was from the mid-'90s at the latest. So what's it's all about, Alfie?

- We kick things off with an intro from soul legend Isaac Hayes, who unfortunately only has a couple of quick cameos on this album. Hearing Hayes' trademark baritone speaking voice trying to give this drivel a bit of gravitas is pretty great - as funny as his "South Park" work.
- Anyone who thinks joining Scientology will give your showbiz career a boost should ask "fresh new singer" Shannon Star Roberts, or L.J. Jackson - this album is their sole Discogs credit. One of Roberts' boring songs references Scientology mythology: "Theta, Theta, See You Later." Catchy, eh?
- Carl Anderson apparently was one of the original stars of "Jesus Christ Superstar" and had some pop hit in the '80s "that endeared him to soap-opera fans" (gee, wonder why I never heard of him?); one of his two songs here is a mindbogglingly awful 16-minutes long. Two minutes would be bad enough, but, holy hell, sixteen interminable minutes? He should be shot! Oh wait, he died of an illness a few years after this album. Never mind.
- I always respected Doug E. Fresh as a hip-hop pioneer who recorded the classic single "The Show"/"La Di Da Di." But one of the low-lights of this album is the appalling apocalypse fantasy "We're Going Up While The World Goes Down," which Fresh futilely tries to pump up into a wave-your-hands jam despite lyrics like:
"I was in a Safeway row
of housewives and no chow
Who said they'd been forsaken
by even moldy bacon
The manager's cruel cry
Was the actual why
They'd ate up all the animals
And now must turn to cannibals"
Apart from retarded grammar ("The manager's cruel cry Was the actual why"?!?) Hubbard's attitude of: you're-all-gonna-suffer-and-die-but-we-won't-ha-ha! is hideously immoral for someone claiming to be a spiritual leader. It reminds me of the Xian fundies' 'rapture' fetish. Needless to say, the generic music has gone thru the Scientology washing-machine, bleaching out any chance of black funkiness.
- Someone named Pamela Falcon has the thankless task of translating one of Hubbard's free-verse poems into music, to whit: "CUPIDITY/Cunning mind/Which unnerves the eye/Unclean lancet." Come on everybody, sing along!
- Another low-light: albino blues-rocker Edgar Winter is one of those well-known figures I'd never really had an opinion on one way or another. Well, I have one now: I fuckin' hate him! His "The Joy of Creating" begins with him saying "Y'all know about the joy of creation? Well, this is how we do it down in Texas." He then proceeds to insult the entire Lone Star State with hysterical gurglings that pass for singing over pseudo-enthusiastic music that has all the soul of John Tesh. I have a hard time having much respect for someone  who would allow this abortion to be released under his name, with his consent, while calling himself an artist.
- Chick Corea, the guy who contributes the only boring parts to otherwise-classic Miles Davis albums, drops by with under two minutes of pointless piano noodling and recitation.

A former Scientologist known on-line as Tiger Lily wrote on an ex-Scientologist message board: "At the time I was in, those albums were touted as being so theta-infused that just listening to them was supposed to key you out. They had the songs on their phone system "hold", and played them in the lobby over and over (how the staff stood that I'll never know).

I took that to heart and listened whenever I could. I lived 2 hours from the Org so I would listen to those *&^%$%# things for 4 hours on course days trying to internalize them. I memorized all the words. I sang along.

I remember thinking it was pretty cheesy , but they told us that Ron's music was way ahead of it's time, so I just decided I must be stuck in the 70's or something and made myself like it."

Listen to the "way ahead of it's time" music here:

The Golden Era Musicians and Friends "The Joy of Creating"

1	Isaac Hayes–	The Joy Of Creating Prelude	0:48
2	Shannon Star Roberts–	Theta, Theta, See You Later	3:22
3	Shannon Star Roberts–	From Sea Of Dreams	2:46
4	Carl Anderson and Brenda Eager * –	The Love Of A Man	3:58
5	Doug E. Fresh–	The Joy Of Creating	2:39
6	Doug E. Fresh–	We're Going Up While The World Goes Down	5:55
7	Howard McCrary and L.J. Jackson–	The Joy Of Creating	1:12
8	Pamela Falcon–	The Sum Of Man	5:40
9	Edgar Winter–	The Joy Of Creating	2:32
10	Edgar Winter–	Blue Endless Sea	3:55
11	Elena Roggero–	The Joy Of Creating	1:41
12	Elena Roggero–	Stamboul	3:38
13	Chick Corea–	The Joy Of Creating	1:46
14	Carl Anderson and Elena Roggero–	Song Of The Bard	16:58
15	Isaac Hayes–	Envoi                                                           00:32

Music BY Maniacs

Since this blog comes up near the top when people search for "David Koresh music," I've been getting comments like: "Does anyone have that "There's a madman living in Waco" song that keeps playing on MSNBC? I swear that's one of the catchiest little hooks I've heard in a long while. I can't get it out of my head! I'm searching all over the web for it."

Anyone?

UPDATE 10/23/09 - Got it! Thanks to Nile for the info. My readers rock.

David Koresh "Mad Man in Waco"

I re-upped the Koresh songs on the original post. Apparently there have been a lot of songs about Koresh: dozens, heck, maybe hundreds, according to an amazing site called Waco Songs. It's an old site with not many working links, but it certainly makes for an interesting shopping list.


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THE SOUND OF EVIL

"Phillip Garrido who is accused with his wife Nancy of kidnapping and raping Jaycee Lee Dugard and holding her captive for 18 years in their backyard, gave two disturbing CDs to Marc Lister in 2006, according to his local newspaper.

Mr Lister, who was a client of Garrido's printing business, initially put the music away unplayed...But he has now listened to the collection of suggestive rock songs and trippy synthetic ballads apparently written by Garrido - and has discovered repeated clues to his warped sexual tastes. " So says this report, which analyzes some of the lyrics.

I found a 20 minute audio clip of Garrido's music lurking on the website of Northern California station CBS5 which I then recorded, and chopped into 4 smaller sound clips. Whoever posted this didn't include the entirety of each song, just a minute or two of each. Which is plenty, believe me.

So what does the music of a crazed religious-fanatic pedophile kidnapper who fathered two children from his victim sound like? Lightweight rock that occasionally suggests the likes of Chicago or Foreigner - and those are the best songs. A crappy demo, like countless others from not-too-talented would-be rock stars. Actually, the bouncy bubblegum that begins the second segment threatens to be a fun tune until the unappealing vocals kick in.

And that's what evil sounds like. Nothing like death-metal or gangsta rap. Just a bunch of routine Dad-rock. The songs aren't even religious, as I was expecting. Sure, the lyrics declaring his love of some "little girl" are now creepy in context, but I didn't hear anything explicitly depraved in them. If it was anyone else singing, no-one would raise an eyebrow, any more then when the Beatles (or Stooges) sang about their "little girl." Apart from some lyrics referring to his time in jail for a previous offense, there's nothing remotely dark or menacing here. They're love songs. The truly evil don't think that they're evil. He thinks he's full of love and the Holy Spirit. And Charles Manson wrote mellow folk songs, and John Wayne Gacy painted pictures of clowns.

Phillip Garrido1
Phillip Garrido2
Phillip Garrido3
Phillip Garrido4
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MY TRIBUTE TO TONY ALAMO

Today's mp3 is the most spectacularly awful music I've heard in a while, a kitsch epic. But there's more to it then just that.

That's because today's music is by the infamous Tony Alamo, in the news yet again, this time for kiddie porn. The FBI raided his Arkansas compound. Sure, he's in the South now, but I remember when we had him here in Los Angeles. I discovered one of his tracts on a school bulletin board over 20 years ago and have been following the man's exploits ever since.

The tract was a conspiracy theorist's wet dream, claiming that the Catholic Church controlled all the major media outlets, and told every big business and politician what to do. As someone raised as a Catholic, I was outraged! What! I exclaimed, Where's my major tv network or magazine that I can control?!? All the years we spent on parochial school, going to church every Sunday, giving who knows how much money to the collection basket - why weren't we in on the conspiracy? Not fair!

Alamo used child labor to make ugly jackets for rich idiots, was wanted on tax charges, and fled town, leading the FBI on a cross-country chase that, at one point included stealing his dead wife's body from a tomb and carrying it with him while still on the lamb!

Like so many religious/cult leaders, he makes music, much of it country, with gospel-style vocals, all dominated by Alamo's warbly baritone. Doesn't get much better then this tune, which might be a more recent recording, judging by his aging voice. He bellows out the lyrics like a drunk hollering "Wind Beneath My Wings" at a karaoke bar, while the increasingly bombastic music overwhelms the listener, like a Phil Spector production for the deranged.

Tony Alamo: My Tribute - To God Be The Glory

His website is a monument to paranoid madness. A supposed Jesuit oath claims that, in their war against non-Catholics, Jesuit priests are sworn to '...hang, burn, waste, boil, flay, strangle, and bury alive these infamous heretics; rip up the stomachs and wombs of their women, and crush their infants' heads against the walls," and an interview with a mafioso claims that "Bush, the Pope and other top Vatican and U.S. government leaders had prior knowledge and help organize 9/11...to get their hands on all the gold that was hidden below in the Twin Towers." Golly! No wonder the powers that be are always persecuting Pastor Alamo.

FRED PHELPS IS COMPLETELY HETEROSEXUAL

Rev. Fred Phelps has been busy since we last checked in with him. The "God Hates Fags" preacher's Westboro Baptist Church choir has lots of new tunes up on their site, including newly-recorded versions of their old hits like "America The Burning." That particular song, a parody of "America The Beautiful," has been renamed "Wicked Land of Sodomites" (subtle, eh?) and now features piano, better sound quality, and an outrageous new verse about an alleged homosexual practice that almost made me spit-take on my computer screen.

Westboro Baptist Church: "Wicked Land of Sodomites" - "That's nasty!"

Support the troops? Not this crowd - they have a song for each branch of the American armed forces: "U.S. Smarmy", "Toast Guard", "Air Farce", and, just for the Marines, "Semper Fi Semper Fags." It's easy for me to laugh at songs like:

Westboro Baptist Church: "This Land is Fag Land"

(sung to the tune of Woody Guthrie's "This Land is Our Land") but other tracks feature children singing. Yeesh, do we have to drag kids into this? Now that's distasteful.

Phelps and Co. must be happy to know that conservative preacher Ted Haggard, caught with a rent-a-boy, has undergone an intensive three week program to, er, "straighten him out." Which brings us to Roy Zimmerman. Satirical California singer/songwriter Zimmerman has also been busy since we last visited him, and recently posted a video of a wickedly funny new song, with all the bad puns, ludicrous rhymes, and Tom Lehrer-esque sharp wit we've come to expect from him:

Roy Zimmerman "Ted Haggard is Completely Heterosexual" (video)
Roy Zimmerman "Ted Haggard is Completely Heterosexual" (mp3) Recorded off the video, hope it's on his next album.

Now when's Fred Phelps gonna come out of the closet..?

BAD RELIGION pt4: L. RON HUBBARD

Halloween may be over, but is there anything scarier then...Scientology? Aaaaaah! Since that particular sci-fi-based cult has the most rabid legal team on the planet I'll probably get sued for this, so enjoy these while you can:

L. Ron Hubbard: "Terl, The Security Director"
"The Drone"

Scientology founder Hubbard recorded these in 1980 using the then-state-of-the-art (now hopelessly dated-sounding) Fairlight synthesizer, one of the first samplers. The album was a "soundtrack" to his novel "Battlefield: Earth." Over 20 years later, of course, Scientologist John Travolta brought the book to the big screen and was roundly ridiculed. Never saw the film, but it can't be more amusing then this music: slickly produced electro (mostly) instrumentals, laden with campy robot/alien voices and sound effects: "Ah, his woman friend! Bwa-ha-ha-haaa!"

Almost as funny:

"Enturbulator 009 is the outlandish comedy band that dares mock $cientology. Banned from Mp3.com, Banned from Indielaunch.com" claims their Soundclick site. Their music page has some good tunes: "Entheta" and "OT3" are rap songs that expose the cult's secrets with insanely profane humor, "One of Us" is a brilliant cut-up/remix of what sounds like an official Scientology recording, and the self-explanatory "$cientology Sucks!" is sho' nuff fonky. Listening to all their songs reveals a group as obsessed as, well, a cult-follower - they even know the names of various church leaders, and personally taunt them.

BAD RELIGION pt3: DAVID KORESH

David Koresh, the Texas cult leader who went out in a blaze of glory, was a struggling singer-songwriter before he not only found Jesus, he thought he was Jesus. (Not the first musician who thought he was god, har har). Presumably there are other tapes of his recordings around, but all that seems to be available are two songs that Maniac Martin from Germany kindly sent our way, taken from the rare and usually expensive album "Voice of Fire":

"Book Of Daniel" - starts off with what sounds like a UFO landing...and a "mellow" California singer-songwriter steps out

"Sheshonahim"

and a big danke to Martin!

UPDATE 10/25/09: Looking for the "Mad Man in Waco"? Go HERE!

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THE MUSIC OF DAVID KORESH

I don't have any of his music. I turn to YOU, gentle reader, to point me in the direction of any recordings of the wacko of Waco, the cult leader who claimed to be Jesus and went out in a blaze of glory. Yes, he tried to make it in the music biz, and there are tapes floating around of his mellow-rock song stylings. Amazing that I haven't found 'em by now...

Utterly Appalling Music

The god-hates-fags guy Fred Phelps has mp3s of songs like "God Hates America" and "America The Burning" on his site godhatesamerica.com sung by his Westboro Baptist Church choir. Come on everybody, sing along! "Oh wicked land of sodomites..."