Evangelist Jimmy Swaggart "The Ring Of Fire: A Message To The Youth of America"

You boys and girls that have Beatle records at home...This is the most rotten, dirty, damnable, filthy, putrid FILTH that this nation of the world has ever known. And you parents that would allow this filth to be in your home, you ought to be taken out somewhere and horse-whipped, you hear me?
-- Jimmy Swaggart, "The Ring of Fire", 1968"

When reader Kenny left that comment, referring to the sin-tillating collection "The Big Rumble", I said: well sweet jumpin' Jeebus on a pogo-stick, I have got to have that album, pronto! And long-time M4M contributor Windbag came thru. But no-one's a bigger windbag then disgraced whorin' porn-addict Jimmy Swaggart, who somehow makes his cousin Jerry Lee Lewis look respectable, with his message to "the Youth of America." Presumably then, you European, Asian, African and Latin kids can have all the fun you want. Damn you!

In a most enjoyably hyperventilating manner, Swaggart huffs and puffs against the immoralities of our age. Not too surprising, given the above quote, but he even suggests that the appropriate response to children disobeying their parents is the death penalty. Hey, that's what the bible says! If you're thinking of sampling this album, Meat Beat Manifesto (meat)beat you to it 20 years ago, but don't let that stop you. There's still plenty of nuggets waiting to be mined by the right DJs/sound collagists. I really did LOL out loud when he went off on Mom putting on her miniskirt and going out to dance The Frug! The Monkey! The Watusi! Despite the title, he does not sing any Johnny Cash songs, however.

After 6 discs celebrating Sin City, I think we really need to attempt to cleanse our damned souls now:  
 
Jimmy Swaggart "The Ring Of Fire"

Bothers and sisters, let us give thanks and praise to the Most High Windy!

 

THE CORILLIONS DOUBLE ALBUM

 The liner notes on the back of this true outsider music classic detail Marlin Wallace's years of pain at the hands of communists (or "reds," as he calls them) shooting painful laser-like rays at him and his mother. Mad? You call him mad?! Say what you like, but he had his act together enough to hire pro singers and musicians to perform his songs and release this 1981 double album. The slick studio country rock is, as in song poems, at odds with the unpredictable, idiosyncratic lyrics.

The album starts off fairly sensibly, but the eccentricities in both lyrics and vocal performances start to add up to truly one of the more bizarre listening experiences you're likely to encounter. Songs like "La-Lo-Ram-Ya" are as kooky as the titles. "The Jungle in Flight" is smothered in gratuitous sound effects. The singer in "Wildcat Mabellene" breaks into hilariously spazzy vocals. Heartfelt ballads might lull you into thinking: aw, this guy's not that crazy, a little sappy perhaps...until you hear a lounge crooner belting out: "Abominabllllle...snow creatuuuure...." 

The second disk in general is a lot stronger, with such must-listens as the prehysterical "Millions of Years Ago," the rhythmically propulsive jungle adventure "Head-Hunters," and, really, just one goodie after another right up thru the Revelations-inspired closer "Mark Of The Beast." Some of the 'professional' singers sound fairly inept at times. Hope they didn't cost too much. Might be Marlin himself singing songs like "Stranger In The Land."

Marlin Wallace ‎– The Corillions / Double Album

1	Sweet Love Of Mine
2	Mekong
3	I'll Try
4	La-lo-ram-ya
5	The Planet Mars
6	Georgia Corn Liquor Man
7	The Jungle In Flight
8	Love Me Tonight
9	Whistlin' Bill
10	How It Feels To Be Alone
11	Wildcat Mabellene
12	Ghost Train
13	Little Orphan Girl
14	This Is War
15	Heart Full Of Pain
16	Gray Wolf
17	Abominable Snow Creature
18	Colorado River
19	Midnight Train
20	Golden Dreams
21	Millions Of Years Ago
22	Head-hunters
23	The Song Of The Wind
24	The Flower Of Love
25	Colombus
26	Only You
27	Before The White Man Came
28	The Russian Bear
29	A Stranger In The Land
30	Big Eight Wheels
31	Mark Of The Beast

Wallace survived the red's attacks and, as pointed out in this post from 2011, he's been cranking out albums ever since, performing (with some help) and singing his songs all by himself.  As I wrote: "His albums are usually themed. Wanna hear a whole collection of songs about bugs and insects? Interested in rivers? Outer space? Jungles? Well, Wallace has written entire albums dedicated to these concepts. Give that boxing fan in your life a copy of "Songs of Pugilism."  

HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF

It's amazing what sorts of things actually became hit records in the Sixties.

Buddy Starcher was a country singer/guitarist best known for the goofy, not-entirely-accurate, 1966 proto-conspiracy theory record "History Repeats Itself," which, according to wiki: "...hit No. 39 on the US Billboard Hot 100 chart and the album of the same name from which it was drawn peaked at No. 37 on the U.S. Country Albums chart." And what an album it is, both fascinating as a historical relic, and as uniquely absurd entertainment.

Starcher intones these melodramatic spoken-word pieces like a good-ol-boy who's put on a suit and is giving a very grave speech to the local Kiwanis club. All of his conservative messages and sappy stories are backed by somber patriotic and country music, except for the comic relief track "A Taxpayer's Letter."  In "Day of Decision," Starcher claims that "...this is the age of the American cynic. The year of the unbeliever. The day of doubt." Woo-hoo, it's about time! "We change channels when a political discussion comes on."  You say that like it's a bad thing. "We've decided that elections and politicians have been bought and sold, like cattle." Er, no comment.

What the hell is up with "Eve Of My Multiplication"? Is it about someone with a math test the next day? Re: "The Fall of A Nation": Atilla The Hun's name was pronounced "AT-la"? Well, maybe it was. Not like he's around anymore to ask. "Judge, What About Me?" is supposed to be a tear-jerker about a "lame" boy and his divorcing parents, but I LOL-ed throughout this unintentional comic gem. Not so funny is the pro-Vietnam bullshit, e.g: the redundantly titled "Brave Men Not Afraid," in which we are informed that soldiers are not afraid to die. They aren't, eh? (Don't you love it when non-soldiers speak for soldiers?)

The hit single claims to find a number of parallels between Presidents Lincoln and Kennedy. I guess this was supposed to be considered weird and eerie, but it's really just a bunch of meaningless coincidences, some of which aren't even true. You could do this with any number of things, even without having to make up facts, and indeed there are some other similar tracks on this album. I think it's time for new records of this sort. How about the chilling parallels between John Cale and Brian Eno? (cue dramatic music)

- Both were born in the UK, and moved to New York City.

- Both came to prominence as founding members of hugely influential avant-rock bands.

- Both left those bands after their first two (2) albums, after clashing with the bandleader.

- Both became producers of some of the greatest artists in alternative rock.

- John Cale = 8 letters
- Brian Eno = 8 letters

- Both were born in months that start with the letter 'M':
John Cale in March
Brian Eno in May

- Both performed on the albums "The End", "June 1, 1974", and "Wrong Way Up."

- Both were male.

- Both were white.

- Both were bipedal.

- Both had brief but torrid affairs with Dawn Wells, who played 'Mary Ann' on "Gilligan's Island" (unverified)

Yes, my friends, it would appear that once again...history repeats itself.

Buddy Starcher "HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF" 
(there's some skipping on track 2; sorry, I did my best, even put coins on the tone arm, etc.)
 

1	History Repeats Itself
2	The Great Decade Of The Sixties
3	Eve Of My Multiplication
4	Sniper's Hill
5	Last Supper
6	I'm In A Jam, Jim
7	History Repeats Itself Part II
8	A Taxpayer's Letter
9	Day Of Decision
10	Judge, What About Me?
11	The Fall Of A Nation
12	Brave Men Not Afraid

 

6 ALBUMS ABOUT...ER, YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO KNOW...

The music of Zoojay (Jonathan Niehaus) might be the most disturbing, disgusting stuff I've ever heard. Simply put, he sings about having sex with dogs. Siberian huskies, to be precise. There is some info on-line about Niehaus but I have no idea how true any of it is, e.g.: molesting animals is not just a fantasy for him as he has apparently been caught in the act, resulting in him being fired from a job at a pet store. And supposedly, he has made videos that feature him illustrating the songs. I'm not going to look for them to confirm this. Listening to this music is bad enough! And supposedly, he is on the autism spectrum  (not that that's any excuse.)

And he has six albums. 

Musically, it's crap rave/techno, and there are plenty of instrumentals for those with nervous dispositions. But the vocal numbers are what move Niehaus outside of most outsider musics. His voice, the high-pitched squeak of a pathetic sissy, would be funny in other circumstances, what with his rhythm-less/rhyme-less lyrics that make song-poem authors look like Shakespeare. He is utterly unconcerned about any possible harm he may be doing to his unwilling partners. And he is unrepentant, demanding that beastiality be legalized and that everyone should just "leave him alone." He names one song "This Human Sex Thing Is So Corny."

I haven't listened to all six, just bits and pieces here and there, but I did listen to the album "Anthems For Dogs Only" in its' entirety. Not all the songs are about animal abuse.  "What In The Hell" questions the economy. "Normal = Wrong Life" accuses his father of abuse. If that's true all I can say is: don't worry Dad, no jury will convict you. At least he's self-aware enough to name two songs "Shut The Fuck Up (With This God Damn Music)" and "This Song Sucks." And the "Shoktro" album has a song called "Boo, Get Off The Stage."
Unfortunately, "Shoktro" also features the song "The Instructional Guide To Having Sex With Huskies." Do not listen on a full stomach.

An anonymous reader provided us with this link:

Jonathan Niehaus Discography (6 albums)

Technical note: You'll need WinZip to download these. WinZip is free.
UPDATE: 7-Zip, also free, should work as well (thanks, DeReviùer)





Thanks (?) to anon. I promise my next posts will be culturally and spiritually uplifting!

The NOW SOUNDS Of Outsider Music

Had a request to re-up Tony "The Cool Casanova" Fabbri. Sometime after I wrote that post in 2013 I acquired a full-length CD by the man, which I just posted in its' entirety. HIGHLY recommended for outsider music enthusiasts.

France's super-swell toy-pop maestro Carton Sonore remixed acapella tracks from one of outsider music's founding texts, Daniel Johnson's "Hi, How Are You?" album, adding his trademark ukulele/musical saw/ocarina sound. Only complaint: too short! More, s'il vous plait.

Carton Sonore - Mini Orchestre Pour Daniel Johnston

(By the way, the latest Cartone Sonore release is 4 bits of spacey loveliness, like Joe Meek on Casios.) And in other outsider music news:

Ms Marilyn Miles sez: "I am a 64 year old grandmother with no music background that likes to write anointed poems."  She's put up a short album entitled "Welcome Marilyn To Area 19" on every conceivable platform, and you can listen to most of it HERE. It's a kind of concept album about the UFO/Marilyn Monroe connection, or something like that. She doesn't sing, but recites clunky verse over r'n'b loops that are only a small step above Wesley Willis' pre-set beats. A couple songs about her encounters with space aliens are certainly interesting, but the real gem here is "Nice Man," a tale of an encounter with a different kind: a weirdo pervert. Gets me laffin' out loud every time. Her prim, schoolteacher-esque vocal delivery is the icing on the cake.  And remember: "My spoken words are from a real experience direct and indirect."

For individual songs, I used to use DivShare, but as it is now apparently kaput, I'll try using Box.com. You can listen, or download by clicking on the downward-pointing arrow in the upper right. Let me know if it works or not, gang!

MsMarilyn Miles "Nice Man"

And who doesn't like experimental electronic psychedelia by 7 year old girls? Stinky Picnic, an old favorite of ours, returns with another name-your-price download album, and once again li'l Ponky Pie Pea (as she is now known) is joined by dad to discuss such crucial matters as hamsters, doggies, rainbows and "A Fungus And A Mungus And A Wungus."
 
"Hamster World"

PIck Hit: the doo-woppin' "No, It's A Smiley Love Heart." The family that plays together, stays together.
 

THE COMMIES ARE COMING! THE COMMIES ARE COMING!

The Berlin Wall may have fallen 20 years ago, and you can buy McDonald's in Red Square, but the United Nations, that festering hot bed of godless Communism, is still around. Side 1 of this ludicrous fear-mongering document from 1962 pounds home the notion that anti-Americanism is built into the UN. Side 2 repeats the malarkey that is still heard today about America being 'founded on Christian values,' citing The Mayflower Compact, and something Woodrow Wilson said. For more shoddy research, unconvincing arguments and implausible conspiracies, dig this spoken-word, very sample-able LP:

Billy James Hargis - The UN Hoax (1962) 

You will be shocked - shocked! - to know that Hargis' career was knocked askew by a sex scandal. Wiki sez: "In 1974, when Hargis was nearly 50, he was forced to resign as president of American Christian College due to allegations that he had seduced college members. Two of his students claimed that they had had sex with Hargis—one was female, one was male. Other students corroborated the story. The account was reported by Time magazine in 1976, along with other alleged incidents at Hargis' farm in the Ozarks, and while on tour with his All American Kids musical group."  The UN, laughing diabolically, had their revenge!

(Thanks once again to windy)

Your Dead Pet Sings To You

Oh, so horrible, so hilarious...how can this be real?! I just discovered this on craigslist whilst looking for something else entirely. From reading the below description, you know this is all kinds of wrong, but the reality is even worse than you can imagine. 

A touching memory from your beloved little friend you miss can always be as close to you as your computer.
In our Pet Memorial Photovids,,,the pet photo that you send us will be animated to sing our original song,,,"When You Think Of Me,,,Smile !". Yes,,,your own pet will sing to you.

You may order a song-only version,,,or you can choose to order a Customized Memorial photovid for which I invite you to compose a brief script of dialogue that you want your beloved little friend to say in their video.
I will help you with the script as much as you want me to.

IN this example for you,,,,this video is a customized Memorial with added dialogue that I produced for a client. A customized version like this featuring your own script thast your pet would perform is $60.00. A song-only version with the pet just singing the song is $30.00.
This is the song your pet would sing,,,and your Memorial Photovid would be similar to this video: 



The song is acapella - let the mashups begin!

Fat Head's Conspiracy-Theory Rap

One of the latest amusing bat-shit crazy conspiracy theories is that the contrails exhaust coming out of airplanes are really "chem-trails" that drift on down to populated areas and supposedly do all kinds of terrible things to us. It must be true, it's on the internet! So I was delighted to hear this rap song on the radio that deals with this topic, a much more interesting subject than hip-hop's usual cliches, I'm sure you'll agree. Over a nice head-nodding beat, the rapper spits out a paranoid fever-dream of "weather warfare," demons, black ops, mind control, population control, martial law, etc. Who knows wtf he's talking about? Funny, but pretty freakin' psycho. Makes me wonder how seriously Fat Hed takes all this. You can listen to it here:

Fat Hed "Clouds"

or download it as part of the FREE! album "The Jump Room"

Of course only a really stupid super-villain would attempt a 'chemtrail' conspiracy, as any chemicals dropped at that great altitude would soon disperse into the atmosphere, leaving only harmless trace amounts by the time they reach our level. Or so "They" WANT you to think!  You're so naaiiiiive!!

I was raised during the heyday of the L.A. aerospace industry, and many friends and family members were/are engineers and pilots. (I actually get kinda nostalgic when I see contrails...) But to a segment of the population, science and technology is still as mysterious and scary as it was in the day when the first cinema-goers dove under their seats when a film showed a train approaching. Or the "cargo cults" of the South Pacific who built wooden airplanes in an attempt to lure back the great white gods who landed on their islands during WWII in their magic flying machines, bearing miracles like aspirin and chocolate. Surely, no mortal could create such wonders!

Louis Farrakhan is Quite The Charmer

By request: Ray Schmitt's music for tree-huggers is back up.

Before Louis Farrakhan was the hate-mongering nut-job running The Nation of Islam, he wasn't even Louis Farrakhan. He was Louis "The Charmer" Wolcott, calypsonion. His brief show-biz stint in the mid-'50s didn't exactly pack stadiums the way The Million Man March did, so clearly the religion biz proved to be the more lucrative career choice. His music was actually pretty decent, tho. There just wasn't much to distinguish it from all the other records made to cash in on the post-Belafonte '50s calypso craze.  "Is She Is, Or Is She Ain't" is the most well-known of his recordings, a parody of the then-recent phenomenon of sex-change operations! Countless religious leaders have made recordings, from the Pope on down, but I don't believe too many have touched upon this important subject. "Female Boxer" is another new one to me, in which our protagonist recounts the time his butt was kicked by, yes, a female boxer. (Actually, I believe the Pope did sing about "foxy boxers," but it was in Latin, so few knew.) Otherwise, calypso fans will recognize most of these songs as oft-recorded standards. But hey, they're still good: can't have too many versions of "Zombie Jamboree" (aka "Back To Back Belly to Belly") or "Ugly Woman," a song famously remade by Jimmy Soul in the '60s as "If You Wanna Be Happy."  The rockin' version of "Hold 'Em Joe" is as good as any, and the energetic piano + percussion musical backing is fun. Charmer's voice is rarely more than adequate, tho his occasional hiccuping vocal accents are a nice touch. 

As evidence that he is perhaps losing what's left of his mind, Farrakhan has embraced Scientology in recent years, encouraging members of the Nation to get themselves "audited"!  As regular readers of this blog know, Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard made some awful albums that we posted here within the last year or so. Farrakhan is just what Scientology needs!  Next time, John Travolta and Chick Corea should forget Hubbard's terrible music and sing calypsos about transsexual zombie boxers!

The Charmer is Louis Farrakhan

1. IS SHE IS, OR IS SHE AIN'T
2. BROWN SKIN GAL
3. DON'T TOUCH ME NYLON
4. ZOMBIE JAMBOREE
5. FEMALE BOXER
6. FIRE DOWN THERE
7. UGLY WOMAN
8. DON'T LET ME MAMA KNOW
9. STONE COLD MAN
10. MARY ANN
11. HOLD 'EM JOE
12. TRINIDAD ROAD MARCH


Thanks to Count Otto Black for reminding me of this album - more of his bizarro British comedy rarities to come.

CRISWELL PREDICTS YOUR INCREDIBLE FUTURE

Now back up by request: one of the first posts ever in this blog's history: Polka Rap; and the happy yodeling of Arthur Brogli. Still working on your other requests.

Our Man in The UK, Count Otto Black, sez:

 

The start of a brand new year - a time when so-called psychics traditionally do their thing, with mixed results. So surely an appropriate time to remind everyone of "The Amazing Criswell", of Plan 9 From Outer Space fame? Did you know that in 1970 he made a spoken word LP consisting of a 42-minute Dadaist stream-of-consciousness rant about what was going to happen over the next 30 years? Probably. He himself admitted that his success-rate was only 87%. Fortunately that other 13% included his prediction that the world would be completely destroyed by God on 8 August 1999.
 

Criswell Predicts! Your Incredible Future

 

Oh, by the way, he sings as well. Or at any rate, nearly as well...

 

Criswell - "Someone Walked Over My Grave"

 

Thanks, Otto!  All of this reminds me of this mind-boggling oddity, also available from archive.org:

 

Mae West sings "Criswell Predicts" (1956) - I believe Space-Age pop master Bob Thompson wrote this one, as he was West's pianist at the time.

 

 

 

The Strangest Album Ever Made?!

"Trout Mask Replica"..."Eskimo"...The Shaggs...any such list is now incomplete without a mention of Five Starcle Men's  "Gomba Reject Ward Japan." Coherent biographical info on this band is hard to come by, but apparently Five Starcle Men were two nuts in the '90s making low-fi (presumably) home recordings out in the desert town of Lancaster, CA.  Or maybe they were from Austin, Texas. Or maybe they heard the works of those two town's most famous loonies, Capt Beefheart, and The Butthole Surfers, and said: "That's nuthin; get a load of this," and proceeded to lay down 28 tracks over the course of a few years that in comparison makes Ween sound like Journey.

At first, it may come off as a couple of stoners' self-indulgent mucking about on a Teac four-track, and there may be some truth to that, but keep listening, and one starts to wonder if there may be some genuine insanity at work here (apparently, one of the members killed himself, thus ending this band's "career.")  Every sound is warped beyond recognition, lyrics range from unintelligible jabbering to surreal nonsense, samples and tapes loop themselves into delirium, unnatural rhythms pound away, all adding up to a mind-melting experience. Some "songs" sound like they were made up on the spot, many are less than 30 seconds long, and a surprisingly high amount of the tracks are really quite good. Play this for over 99% of the population (even those who consider themselves "alternative"), and they will probably will scrunch up their face and say, "What are you listening to?!"

Free listening/download here:

Five Starcle Men  "Gomba Reject Ward Japan"

courtesy of 'net-label Lost Frog, who have also blessed us with releases by R. Stevie Moore, The Happy Flowers, Animals Within Animals, Big City Orchestra, and some people who make noise music out of bicycles.

STRANGE/OUTSIDER/NOVELTY JFK SONGS

John F. Kennedy inspired a lot of music. This is some of the weirdest. Song-poems! A Frank Zappa composed/produced surf record!  A singing psychic! Mexican music! And all 6 tracks from the great "Sing Along With JFK" album that featured pre-sampling tape manipulations of Jack's voice "remixed" with original music and a vocal chorus. You've heard of musique concrete?  This is musique ridicule.


Sing Along With JFK

1. George Atkins and Hank Levine: Begin Anew For Two (from "Sing Along With JFK")
2. George Atkins and Hank Levine: Let Us Begin Beguine
3. George Atkins and Hank Levine: Alliance For Progress Bossa Nova
4. George Atkins and Hank Levine: Ask Not Waltz
5. George Atkins and Hank Levine: The Trumpet 
6. George Atkins and Hank Levine: Let The Word Go Forth
7. Los Conquistadores: Homenaje a John F. Kennedy
8. Brian Lord & The Midnighters: The Big Surfer (written/produced by Frank Zappa, recorded in his Cucamunga studio, 1963)
9. Frances Baskerfield, "The Singing Psychic" - The Grassy Knoll
10. Johnny Tucker - Mr. Kennedy
11. Mike Macharyas - Lee Harvey Oswald (from the 2005 album "Ashlee Simpson" in which all Macharyas does is repeat famous peoples names over and over; he has 17 albums of this insanity)
12. Lee Roy Abernathy: John F. Kennedy The Greatest Of All (like the Johnny Tucker song, this is an indie country/folk record, but this guy seems really worried about Texas' reputation as much as anything else)
13. Norm Burns and the Five Stars: John F. Kennedy Was Called Away
14. Norm Burns and the Five Stars: John F. Kennedy's Election Race (Song-poems! This one's the more inept/funnier of the two)


Thanks for some of these to WFMU's Beware of the Blog, and master blogger Bob Purse.

HOW TO PICK UP GURLZ!

Hey losers! A while back I posted a "charm school" album for girls, and now it's the fella's turn. From 2000 comes this curio:

"Pheremones are in the air ... and San Francisco's nationally known spoken word/music group the Apes of God have a new CD release, How To Pick Up Girls!. The bemused recital consists of twenty-six pick-up lines (fifty-two in total) from a 1970's book The Hundred Best Opening Lines, a manual for perplexed bachelors by Eric Weber. In the background, a piano solo from an jazz instructional ear-training tape hauntingly meanders up and down various modal and diminished scales to the lonely ticking of a metronome. Synthesizer noises gurgle and glissando deep in the sonic substratum, and are later re-edited into an eleven minute musique concrete sequence called Making Love The Right Way - suggested listening for the date won by the lines once thing settle into the comfort zone."

The Apes of God - "How To Pick Up Girls"

Let me know how it works, okay, studs?

I'm still kinda on summer vacation, but the requests you-all have been sending in will be met eventually: The "Music For Weirdos" series, the '60s Mexican garage comp "Ya No Hay Beatles," The Everyday Film...I'll get to 'em all, I swear.  And more 78rpm strangeness from Count Otto Black. Gotta give you something to look forward to in life, right?

L. Ron Hubbard & Friends "The Road To Freedom"

We interrupt our usual assortment of good music for this...this...well, it's a Scientology album, whaddya expect?  Following up on our "Joy of Creating" post: clunky amateurish lyrics, horribly dated '80s wimp-pop that makes Toto sound like the Ramones, vocals by b-list actors, brothers of celebrities, washed-up child stars, never-made-its, a children's chorus, and John Travolta...yep, it's another musical pep rally/indoctrination tool from America's wackiest cult, with a truly jaw-dropping vocal from El Ron himself. If you've never heard one of these Scientology albums, you should check one out, at least once (in fact, once is probably all you'll be able to take!) to really experience how far over the edge seemingly sensible people can go. As Travolta sings: "Reality is me, reality is you, yeah yeah yeah..."

Listen with horrified fascination here:

 

The Road To Freedom

 

All songs written by L. Ron Hubbard.

1. The Road To Freedom (w/Frank Stallone, Leif Garrett, John Travolta)

2. The Way To Happiness (w/Leif Garrett)

3. The Worried Being (w/failed soul singer Amanda Ambrose in a laughable approximation of funk)

4. The Evil Purpose (w/Frank Stallone)

5. Laugh A Little (the sound effects get disturbingly psychotic; I'm pretty sure that was not the intention)

6. The Good Go Free (Bang yer head! This one "rocks 'n' rolls" like John Tesh trying to go heavy metal.)

7. Why Worship Death? (jazz/prog with Chick Corea; Julia Migenes unleashes hair-raising operatic vox that will send animals scurrying)

8. Make It Go Right

9. The ARC Song (w/a straining John Travolta really trying to, y'know, emote; and Karen Black)

10. L'Envoi/Thank You For Listening (w/L. Ron Hubbard)

 

Much thanks to ma main Thetan Rich, from KillUglyRadio!

 

 

 

 

L. RON HUBBARD SPLURGES ALL OVER YOU

"Force yourself to smile and you’ll soon stop frowning.
Force yourself to laugh and you’ll soon find something to laugh about. Wax enthusiastic and you’ll very soon feel so. A being causes his own feelings. The greatest joy there is in life is creating. Splurge on it!"

If you don't have those words memorized, you will, after hearing them repeated over and over on this ghastly 2001 album released by the Church of Scientology, voiced by a semi-all-star team of singers. It sets the poems of the cult's late founder L. Ron Hubbard over crappy music that sounds way too dated to have been recorded only 12 years ago.  I genuinely figured this was from the mid-'90s at the latest. So what's it's all about, Alfie?

- We kick things off with an intro from soul legend Isaac Hayes, who unfortunately only has a couple of quick cameos on this album. Hearing Hayes' trademark baritone speaking voice trying to give this drivel a bit of gravitas is pretty great - as funny as his "South Park" work.
- Anyone who thinks joining Scientology will give your showbiz career a boost should ask "fresh new singer" Shannon Star Roberts, or L.J. Jackson - this album is their sole Discogs credit. One of Roberts' boring songs references Scientology mythology: "Theta, Theta, See You Later." Catchy, eh?
- Carl Anderson apparently was one of the original stars of "Jesus Christ Superstar" and had some pop hit in the '80s "that endeared him to soap-opera fans" (gee, wonder why I never heard of him?); one of his two songs here is a mindbogglingly awful 16-minutes long. Two minutes would be bad enough, but, holy hell, sixteen interminable minutes? He should be shot! Oh wait, he died of an illness a few years after this album. Never mind.
- I always respected Doug E. Fresh as a hip-hop pioneer who recorded the classic single "The Show"/"La Di Da Di." But one of the low-lights of this album is the appalling apocalypse fantasy "We're Going Up While The World Goes Down," which Fresh futilely tries to pump up into a wave-your-hands jam despite lyrics like:
"I was in a Safeway row
of housewives and no chow
Who said they'd been forsaken
by even moldy bacon
The manager's cruel cry
Was the actual why
They'd ate up all the animals
And now must turn to cannibals"
Apart from retarded grammar ("The manager's cruel cry Was the actual why"?!?) Hubbard's attitude of: you're-all-gonna-suffer-and-die-but-we-won't-ha-ha! is hideously immoral for someone claiming to be a spiritual leader. It reminds me of the Xian fundies' 'rapture' fetish. Needless to say, the generic music has gone thru the Scientology washing-machine, bleaching out any chance of black funkiness.
- Someone named Pamela Falcon has the thankless task of translating one of Hubbard's free-verse poems into music, to whit: "CUPIDITY/Cunning mind/Which unnerves the eye/Unclean lancet." Come on everybody, sing along!
- Another low-light: albino blues-rocker Edgar Winter is one of those well-known figures I'd never really had an opinion on one way or another. Well, I have one now: I fuckin' hate him! His "The Joy of Creating" begins with him saying "Y'all know about the joy of creation? Well, this is how we do it down in Texas." He then proceeds to insult the entire Lone Star State with hysterical gurglings that pass for singing over pseudo-enthusiastic music that has all the soul of John Tesh. I have a hard time having much respect for someone  who would allow this abortion to be released under his name, with his consent, while calling himself an artist.
- Chick Corea, the guy who contributes the only boring parts to otherwise-classic Miles Davis albums, drops by with under two minutes of pointless piano noodling and recitation.

A former Scientologist known on-line as Tiger Lily wrote on an ex-Scientologist message board: "At the time I was in, those albums were touted as being so theta-infused that just listening to them was supposed to key you out. They had the songs on their phone system "hold", and played them in the lobby over and over (how the staff stood that I'll never know).

I took that to heart and listened whenever I could. I lived 2 hours from the Org so I would listen to those *&^%$%# things for 4 hours on course days trying to internalize them. I memorized all the words. I sang along.

I remember thinking it was pretty cheesy , but they told us that Ron's music was way ahead of it's time, so I just decided I must be stuck in the 70's or something and made myself like it."

Listen to the "way ahead of it's time" music here:

The Golden Era Musicians and Friends "The Joy of Creating"

1	Isaac Hayes–	The Joy Of Creating Prelude	0:48
2	Shannon Star Roberts–	Theta, Theta, See You Later	3:22
3	Shannon Star Roberts–	From Sea Of Dreams	2:46
4	Carl Anderson and Brenda Eager * –	The Love Of A Man	3:58
5	Doug E. Fresh–	The Joy Of Creating	2:39
6	Doug E. Fresh–	We're Going Up While The World Goes Down	5:55
7	Howard McCrary and L.J. Jackson–	The Joy Of Creating	1:12
8	Pamela Falcon–	The Sum Of Man	5:40
9	Edgar Winter–	The Joy Of Creating	2:32
10	Edgar Winter–	Blue Endless Sea	3:55
11	Elena Roggero–	The Joy Of Creating	1:41
12	Elena Roggero–	Stamboul	3:38
13	Chick Corea–	The Joy Of Creating	1:46
14	Carl Anderson and Elena Roggero–	Song Of The Bard	16:58
15	Isaac Hayes–	Envoi                                                           00:32