DON'T OPEN 'TIL NEW YEARS EVE

I'll be gone 'til January, so here's an early posting of a eerie version of "Auld Land Syne" by the three-theremin East Coast combo The Lothars.

I was just thinking...what if Ron Jeremy had a Christmas album? "Ron's Rated X-mas"! He could do stuff like "Round Young Virgins," "A Lay In A Manger," "Heavenly Piece," "Jesus, Mary & Jenna"...

THE BEASTLES

Boston's djBC has a collection of Beastie Boy vocals set to Beatles music, similiar to Dangermouse's "Grey Album" called "The Beastles," but I like this one better, probably cuz a) BC throws more imagination and variety into the mix and, b) I love the Beastie Boys. But EMI does not love djBC, so grab this now - it won't be up long.

EYEBALL SKELETON

Eyeball Skeleton are a nine-year-old boy, his seven-year-old little brother, and their dad on guitar and drum machine. They have a great theme song called "Eyeball Skeleton", natch, but 'tis the season, so here's a brand-spankin' newie from 'em called "Santa's On The Run." Their debut album is scheduled for an early '05 release, and will feature such titles as
"Spooky Mummy Case," "Flat Top Vampire," "The Bouncing Apes," "Bad Guy Stew," and "I Don't Eat Cereal On The Weekends."

VIDEO GAME XMAS MUSIC

The best Christmas music release of the year? Perhaps. A various artists EP called "The 8bits of Christmas" presents holiday hits using sampled video-game sounds. I know that sounds like an annoying collection of beeps, but it's amazing musical - dig "The First Blip-Blop Noel."

From 8bitpeoples.com, scroll down the page a bit to grab the whole collection.

HIGH-SCHOOL BAND DEMOLISHES JOHNNY MATHIS

The Farragut (Knoxville, TN) High School band plays "The Most Wonderful Time Of the Year" like you've never heard it before.

THE STRANGEST "O HOLY NIGHT" EVER

"O Holy Night" performed on 3 theremins and guitar, by a fantastic group called The Lothars, out of Boston. They treat their theremins with effects pedals, as if they didn't sound strange enough. Lots of mp3s on their site that Stereolab fans should pounce on if they know what's good for 'em. ODing on holiday music? Check out "Bleep-Bloop." You'll be glad you did.

FAT NAKED ELVIS

Extreme Elvis is a fat, sometimes naked Elvis impersonator. Elvis impersonators are very near-and-dear to my heart, as Mrs. Fab and I were married at an Elvis chapel in Las Vegas. But by a slim, clothed one. His music, as demonstrated by this version of "Blue Christmas," seems quite normal. But imagine him singing looking and acting like he does on his profoundly disturbing website, extremeelvis.com.

He recently invaded the hallowed halls of high-culture by performing at UCLA's Royce Hall as part of notorious filmmaker John Waters' Christmas special. Waters has recently compiled a various-artists collection of demented thrift-store records called, naturally, "A John Waters Christmas," featuring stars like The Chimpunks and Tiny Tim - but not Tiny Tim's holiday classic "Santa Claus Has Got The AIDS This Year." Too tasteless even for Waters perhaps? It does features my nomination for worst Christmas record ever - Little Cindy's "Happy Birthday Jesus": a little kid with a thick Southern accent thick delivering spoken-word drivel about Jesus, and poo-poohing "those awful naughty men" who crucified him. Can you top this? Another little kid sings a song called "Santa Claus Is A Black Man." I'm amazed at the inclusion of "Here Comes Fatty Claus" because I actually have a 45rpm vinyl copy from who knows when, and I didn't think anyone else knew about this record. It's a great country toe-tapper featuring the catchy chorus "Here comes Fatty with his sack of s---." It doesn't include the b-side though - the entire song played backwards.

Check the audio samples on Amazon.

"SPECIAL" KIDS SINGING "WHITE CHRISTMAS"

Courtesy of The Social Skills Centre: "White Christmas."

Anyone know where this comes from?

REGGAE HANNAUKAH

It's no joke: ReggaeChanukah.com.

Oi! The audio samples weren't working when I just tried them, but, trust me - I've heard this album. I know Hebrew melodies done inna rub-a-dub stylee sounds like some "Saturday Night Live" bit, but it's actually sincere and very skillfully played by a buncha slick pros, including one of No Doubt's horn players. Not just reggae either, but ska and African riddims too. Most peoples of the Hebroid persuasion will probably have big question marks over their head upon hearing this, but true Maniacs know not to ask why.

MAE WEST - "SANTA COME UP & SEE ME"

The legendary screen siren recorded this in 1968 when she was around 75 years old , and still workin' that sexpot image: "Santa Come Up And See Me."

Today's mp3 courtesy of the good elves at falalalala.com.

MERRY CHRISTMASH!

RIAA has contributed 2 tracks to a various-artists Christmas collection called "Merry Christmash." Thanks to the UK's Cheekyboy for compiling. The songs are "G-L-O-RIAA" (featuring Charleton Heston, Them with Van Morrison, The Vienna Boys Choir, The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Patti Smith, surprise guests); and terrible things are done to David Saville's "Chipmunk Song."

All songs are 100% recycled from existing recordings: there's BuG's delirious "12 Days of Christmas," Voicedude has Elvis singing over AC/DC, DJBC takes Vince Guaraldi's "Charlie Brown Christmas" to the chill-out lounge, and Pilchard's "Santa Baby" mixes Marilyn, Petula Clark and some gangsta rap...

LET'S ALL SING ABOUT VAGINITIS!

Dr. Machelle M. Seibel does. He's not just a Professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology at the University of Massachusetts. He's also a singer/songwriter/guitarist who's medical melodies can be found on his site healthrock.com.
He doesn't just sing about stinky female trouble - he's got lots o' toe-tappers like "Incontinence," "Prostate Check," and (for the kids) "The Phat Fat Rap." You might catch him when he gigs around the East Coast, hitting spots like the Annual Meeting of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine in Philadelphia, or the American Cancer Society Volunteer Recognition breakfast at the Waltham, MA Westin.

Warning! I tried to link an mp3 from his site, but when you click on a song it only saves it. Since I'm writing this at work, I panicked, "Damn! I've got a file called "vaginitis" on my computer!" and hurridly tried to find and delete it. Phew!

THE VIENNA VEGETABLE ORCHESTRA

Self-explanatory - no conventional musical instruments used by these Austrians. They tap on tomatoes, pound potatos, rub rutabegas, and even hollow out carrots to make flutes. At the end of a performance they throw their instruments into a pot, make a meal and serve the audience. And no, they're not making a vegetarian/vegan statement. From their website: "don't ask again. we've heard this question 2 million times." So knock it off, awright?!

Their new album "Automate" has a more abstract sound inspired by electronic music, although, of course, the music is all-natural: click on this to listen. Beginners might perfer to start with their first album. As vegetable music goes, it's the more commercial, mainstream sound: "Radetzky Marsch."

Here's a brief radio interview. Remember now kids: play with your food.